When I was at Tottenham I caught Steve Archibald looking at my bellend in the shower so I stabbed him in the eye with my pen like this. Don't fuck with me, Pallister, I've seen you looking. This is just a warning, next time you'll be out one eye.
I used to go to a little restaurant in Stoke called Armando's, usually after a match with my good friend Dennis Smith. One night, having beaten West Ham and taken an ice bath together, me and Smithy went to Armando's arm in arm and ordered a Carbonara to share. This is the face I pulled when I saw there was a pube on the garlic bread. Armando's is closed now, because I killed Armando by forcing him to eat a plate of my pubes
What's that, Ray? You say Chiles is presenting Score next week? Chiles? Don't fuck with me Ray
After we won the FA Cup in '82 me and Glenn Hoddle went to a strip club in Kingston where Glenn said he knew the management and could bag us a couple of free dances. Glenn picked out a right dog, and took her into a private room where I believe he asked her to marry him. I chose the girl with the biggest knockers you've ever seen, honestly even Keown's never seen ones as big as those. I took her into the middle of the room, sat her on my lap and put my arms around her waist like this. Then I sang 'Weekend In New England' by Manilow to her until she cried. It was your wife, Ray. I've had her.
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