Tales From The Bed Of Scott Bakula: Volume %POINTS%

The Isle of Wizards has taken a terrifying turn. I want to leave. 

I can't sleep at night. Please please help me.

I fear for my safety.

Paul Dot Com

Wisdom of Lawro

When I woke up this evening, I hurriedly reached for my laptop and connected to the internet as quickly as I could, for it was Thursday morning, my favourite of all the afternoons of the week. Why Thursday, I hear you ask? Well, I am quite offended to say the least, as any loyal reader of thegamesweep and Football Fan should know that Thursday marks the weekly issuing of Lawro's fabled Predictions.

After a stonking four correct results last week, Lawro has set out to once again provide us with pearls of wisdom and football knowledge that only an ex-international like himself can offer and, as usual, he has succeeded.





Thank you Lawro. Thank you.
Where would we be without Lawro? The answer to this question is something I would never like to contemplate.

Messi Seen Getting Off Plane In Manchester

16:48: "I'm sitting in my hermit's cave here in the Penines doing my tax return when my mate who works in the Body Shop next door to Anfield rings me. He says he's just served James "Ian" Jim "Rush" Jamie Redknapp's son, who says his dad's just signed for the Reds! YNWA!"

Barack, Penines, via text on 81111

1643: "I'm sitting in the chippie in Carrington and who walks in but Hunter Herst "The Rock" Helmsley! MVP himself! He had a City shirt in one hand and a bag of money in the other. He ordered a battered sausie and a pickled egg. 15.8m fee"
RobbieK on 606

1622: "I've been riding the bus all morning, and haven't caught a glimpse of Robinho. Something's up..."

Chops Ops, Manchester, via text on 81111

1413: "My mate is the Liverpool kitman's daughter's boyfriend's cousin's mate and he tells me Rafa is lining up a last minute bid for Tottenham Hotspur striker Robbie Keane! The perfect foil for Torres, I think he could be the last piece of the puzzle to push us back above the Scum! Superb la!"

CopyrightTheLiverbird on 606

1388: "My dad is Alex Ferguson's baptist minster and he reliably informs me the Sir confessed to him this morning in his precious daily communion, apparently he's transferring to sign as player manager for Airbus UK FC with Gareth Owen and Mark Cadwallader going the other way! Heard it here first!"
Gordon B Rown via Clay Pidgeon carrier

1204: "Just texted my mateJeremie Defoe and he claims he's signing forBallymena United on a part-time sponsorship deal giving halfhis wages to the Charity for Jewish Mammals. Get in!!"
Ray Stubbs, Clady, Northern Ireland

1053: "My mate's just informed me via a reliable source that his girlfriend saw Messi stepping off the runway at Heathrow Terminal 3 despite thick snow carrying a Chelsea shirt in one arm and a bottle of vodka in the other?"
Jeff in Hartlepool, via text on 81111

0926: "My sister is a hairdresser in Coventry and she says she's just had an order from her boss to stock up bleach as Cisse is joining City on loan??"
Noe1 on 606

Lee Dixon's Tactical Analysis

Everton 1-1 Arsenal

Arsenal were at their imperious best once again, channeling the combined spirits of Pelé and Duncan Ferguson with this delightful passing move to create Van Persie's stunning equaliser. I believe there were actually around fourteen thousand passes involved in this incredible passage of play, but I ran out of space on my diagram so I've only included the final sixteen.

Chelsea 2-0 Middlesbrough

Scolari's Chelsea managed a comfortable but somewhat unconvincing win over strugglers Middlesbrough, with questions again raised over the ability of Lampard and Ballack to play together in midfield. The English maestro and his German clone once again decided the best place to stand on the pitch was on top of each other's heads.

West Brom 0-5 Manchester United

Tony Mowbray's West Brom team continue to "delight the neutrals" and "play football the way it's meant to be played," which seems to involve giving all opposition teams the Freedom of the Hawthorns and a staunch refusal to get involved in any sort of defending or tackling. Bravo Tony, bastion of all that is right and good in the world of football. Oh, and they also still field Scott Carson in goal.

Bruce! Reviews

andycarroll2007, 5 Stars

Bruce! changed my life. His beautiful descriptions of the things he saw lying on the street on the way home from Fratton Park one day had me in floods of tears. Never has such glorious prose been penned as that of Bruce!

monfilsmonfils, 5 Stars

Every new page was sheer delight to me, as Blutes manages to evoke the full gamut of emotions, often within a single sentence, or within a single word, such is his genius. A better book you never will read. 

the_crab_man, 5 Stars

As I read the final chapter of Bruce!, tears streaming from my wrinkled face, erection in hand, I felt my soul become enbiggened by Barnesbot's glorious words. As I read the last words, I knew that my time was up, and I could not think of a more wonderful last memory as this. Thankyou, dearest Brimp. 

Vincent Grella5, 5 stars

When I first bought Bruce!, I read it cover to cover within a single year, and lent it to all my friends subsequently. I had the entire book read at my wedding, and the tears of the guests are a testament to the power of Blooper's delicious words. The scene with the robot maid and the wizard's sleeve caused one old woman to drop her britches!

Cant'Control_32, 5 Stars

I have hung the pages of Brote's masterpiece on strings from the ceiling of every room in my house, so that his orgasmic words can brush my ruddy face as I glide about my vast mansion. 

R_V_Nursie, 5 Stars

I was diagnosed with a wasting disease of the knee some 2 years ago, and feared all was lost until my good friend lent me his copy of Brondlebum's masterpiece. I ground it into a paste and applied it to my withered knee, and before the sun had set, I could walk again! Brubes is a miracleworker, his words heal all ills! Hail! The King cometh.

treat_the_bal_as_a_friend, 5 Stars

After the passing of my wife, my two young children were inconsolable, and would sob and weep all night long. At the end of my wits, mad with lack of sleep, I discovered this beautiful gem in an old chest in my attic. I read it to my children, and before the last word was read, they were both dead. Thankyou Bruce, now I sleep as soundly as a mouse, and my children's bodies make most serviceable pillows! 

Alan, 5 Stars

Growing up, I was a desperately unlucky man. Sewage pipes would burst in my house, flooding every floor with a foul drenching, women would be sick at the sight of my very face, any friends I managed to make would become victim to most horrible and grizzly deaths. One morning, having been locked out of my house, I was hit on the bonce by a book which fell from the sky. That book was Bruce! After reading Brutlebert's deleriously enchanting words, I ripped the pages from their binding and sewed them together into a suit, which I now wear every minute of my life. Since that day I have slept with over one thousand women, and have become the King of a small country. When I visit a sick man, he is cured at the sight of me, and birds fall from the sky in front of me so that I don't ever have to touch the soiled pavement with my feet. Surely Brandley's astonishing prose is alone the cause of my change in fortunes. I am indebted to it.

Tales From The Bed Of Scott Bakula: Volumes 3 Through 9

hai ladies im writin this on my iphone so 4give the bad spelin. im putin the latest chapters of my book up here so u can read them and get an idea of how it will be a besteseller 

Day 3, 4th Cycle

So to-day I went on a date with the King of the Wizards and his daughter. They took me to the rotating restaurant and I chose the soup, which was an error because the rotation of the restaurant created a vortex and every time I put my spoon in to take a sip the spoon was sucked into the vortex and I did not see it again. The daughter of the King of Wizards ordered the suckling pig, and the King of Wizards himself demanded a nectarine, peeled, and placed in an upturned bowler hat, which is how he took all of his meals. I told my joke about the man saving peas, and it offended him so he left. 

Day 4, 3rd Cycle

It is the equinoxe and therefore I must go down to the market and strike a deal with a peddlar of fine salts so that I may present one to my lady and ask for her hand in marriage. Then, with a hot-dog in each hand I must approach her, on bended knee, and sing her that most famous of songs, 'If You Don't Buy A Ticket' by the beloved Lawrenson. I include a picture, above, so that you may more accurately imagine the scene. Once completed, we shall be wed and, anon, I will get to see her cheese-hole. 

Day 5, Lament

Oh! Fine beauts, upon whose hands my fated futures rest, whislt though turn thine beloved cheeks toward the sun and shower golden blessings on my bleeding face, or dost thou have some fiendish plot for the earthly Bakula! Yet reveal thon plans, lest the dreaded wench bear forth her fury from the East, and the West, and all under the Moon witness her raging wraths. Oh, Shimbomba, thou mighty Queen of Beauts, grant me a stay of happy wandering with mine erstwhile wife, and tempt me not with the foul stenches of the deep's dark pits. Alas, my time approaches as the horizon to a mighty vessel!

Wedding Day, Bi-Cycle 

To-day I was wed, to my sister Isabella. During her father's speech, I lost contol of my bowels. I invited Hansen but he did not show up, so I've deleted him from my friends list. Shearer was there, in his usual attire; a maid's apron and stockings. He brought a letter from Pearce, which was all exclamation marks and smudges. I did not care to read it, so threw it in the fire. Shearer said he enjoyed the wedding and picked the 2nd bridesmaid, Alastair, for his own.