Monday, 21 December 2009

BBC Tactical Analysis

Click the image because Blogspot is stupid.

Thanks to the Beeb forexplaining Roberto Mancini's preferred tactical schemes in a manner that makes sense.

Tuesday, 10 November 2009

Grand Slam Snoozefest

Stats of the Week No. 1: Aston Villa have missed 4 of their 7 penalties this season.

Stats of the Week No. 2: Since Stephen Hunt’s goal for Hull on the opening day of the season, Chelsea have scored 26 goals at home without reply.

Stats of the Week No. 3: Before this season, Jody Craddock had scored 3 goals in 140 Premier League appearances. This season he's got 3 in 8 games.

Stats of the Week No. 4: Cesc Fabregas has been involved in 15 Premier League goals this season – a league-high. He has scored 6 times and assisted 9 goals.

Stats of the Week No. 5: Steve Bruce has failed to win in any of his last 17 trips to London as a manager.

Stats of the Week No. 6: Stoke have lost 12 points from leading positions this season, more than any other side.

Stats of the Week No. 7: Chelsea’s winner against Manchester United was the first set-piece goal United have conceded in the league this season.

Stats of the Week No. 8: Carlos Tevez has scored 2 goals in 764 minutes of play in the Premier League, both in the same match against West Ham. His goalless streak currently stands at 5 games.

Stats of the Week No. 9: The last time Liverpool started a league match without either Gerrard or Carragher in the starting XI was in a 2-2 draw with Birmingham City in April 2008.

Stats of the Week No. 10: Liverpool have now won only 1 of their last 9 matches.

Sweet Plays of the Week: Pedro Rodriguez got Barcelona underway against Mallorca. However, while Pedro finished smoothly, it was the tremendous backheeled through ball by Zlatan Ibrahimovic that made it a truly outstanding goal. Ibrahimovic possessed the vision and awareness to spot Pedro’s run with an exquisite backheel that outfoxed at least six defenders and sent Pedro through one-on-one with the goalkeeper.

After winning the ball in defence, Arsenal’s Bacary Sagna quickly gave it to Fabregas and surged upfield. Fabregas then returned the ball to Sagna on the right wing and started making his way into the box. Sagna’s cross found the feet of van Persie, who perfectly laid the ball off into the path of Fabregas with a single touch, allowing Fabregas to finish easily past Wayne Hennessey.

Kevin McDonald earned Burnley a surprise draw at Money City with a sumptuous team goal. David Nugent found Steven Fletcher at the far post with a perfectly weighted chipped pass and Fletcher, who had timed his run perfectly to find himself in behind the City defence, delicately headed the ball back across the face of goal for McDonald to run in and finish confidently into the corner.

Bukharov chipped Igor Akinfeev from 35 yards in Rubin Kazan’s 2-0 away win over CSKA Moscow. Rubin are pretty sweet.

Sweetest Play of the Week: There was plenty to choose from in Lyon and Marseille’s 5-5 draw but Lyon’s fifth goal from Michel Bastos was the pick of the bunch. It was a perfect demonstration of swift, one-touch counter attacking play. Pjanic ran the ball through midfield towards the heart of the Marseille defence. He laid it off to Lisandro Lopez and continued his run. Lisandro knocked the ball into the path of Bafetimbi Gomis with his first touch. Gomis then sent a defence splitting through ball to Pjanic who had broken beyond the defence. Pjanic ran onto the pass and sent the ball across the box to the oncoming Michel Bastos, who finished emphatically with his left foot.

Sour Plays of the Week No. 1: Faced with Gonzalo Higuain on the edge of his own box, Atletico Madrid’s Luis Perea decided the best course of action would not be passing to a team-mate or clearing his lines. No, he decided to take Higuain on with a dribble. Higuain tackled him, won the ball, dribbled past Perea with ease and scored a third goal for Real Madrid. The match then ended 3-2 in Madrid’s favour. Atletico Madrid have the worst defensive record in La Liga. I wonder why.

Sour Plays of the Week No. 2: With the ball slowly rolling towards the byline against Aston Villa, Bolton’s Gary Cahill attempted to get in the way of John Carew and shepherd it out for a goal kick. However, the ball was rolling VERY slowly, with almost no momentum whatsoever. Cahill was then too weak to hold off Carew who outmuscled him easily, stole the ball and squared the pass for Agbonlahor to score. Cahill had ample time to simply clear the ball out of play, or if he wanted to be even fancier, kick it against the shins of Carew. A professional defender must be capable of reading when a ball does or doesn’t have enough pace to roll out of play on its own. Even more importantly, he must possess the football IQ to know when it is appropriate to shield a loose ball out of play. When you’re being hunted down by 6’4” man-beast John Carew... it’s not appropriate.

Sack-watch: Phil Brown lives to fight for another week after a 2-1 victory over Stoke. Most impressively, Hull were able to come back from a 0-1 deficit to win. One can only imagine Phil was receiving good advice from whoever he talks to through his headset.

North of the border, things continue to spiral downwards for Celtic’s Tony Mowbray. Mowbray’s appointment as Celtic manager was a strange one given his bizarre preference for performances over results and his stubborn refusal (or inability) to change his approach if things aren’t going well. This attitude is all well and good when you’re trying to maintain a team’s confidence when they’re losing almost every week, but it is ineffective at a club who are expected to win every match in the SPL. Unfortunately for Mowbray, the performance was not there either against Falkirk as Celtic drew 3-3 with the bottom-of-the-table club. Mowbray has often talked about the need to improve the squad but two of the poorest performers today were his summer signings Landry N’Guemo and Marc-Antoine Fortuné. And for all the failings of the squad Gordon Strachan left behind, they are still the same players who put 10 goals past Falkirk without reply in 3 league encounters last season. Celtic were poor last season but Mowbray has made them even worse.

Bottom of the Championship Peterborough have sacked Darren Ferguson after just 16 games of the season. While they’ve struggled, this is a guy who’s taken the club from League 2 to the Championship in two seasons with consecutive promotions, with much of the squad still made up of the same players he had in League 2. The Championship was always going to be a struggle after getting there so quickly. Sacking him so quickly is a ridiculous decision.

Have you noticed? Everyone calls Darren Fletcher “underrated.” Funny that, since practically everyone who speaks his name ‘rates’ him.

Poppy Outrage: The ENTIRE WORLD, sorry, the Daily Mail was in uproar this weekend as Manchester United and Liverpool took to the field without poppies embroidered on their shirts. It is apparently an OUTRAGE that these two clubs have not joined the poppy-embroidery bandwagon which began only seven years ago and until now was practically unknown. Ten years ago this practice didn’t even exist and no-one was ‘outraged’ or saw it as “an absolute disgrace” that there wasn’t a single poppy on the shirt of a single football club in the country, so why now is it such a big deal? One caller on talkSPORT claimed clubs have a “duty” to wear them... why? Why now? Why is it a “duty” now when it was not 10 years ago, 15 years ago, 20 years ago...? Apparently children will be asking why they’re not wearing poppies! What nonsense. It seems Birmingham were wearing them last week against Manchester City. Did I notice? No. Would anyone have noticed without this tedious campaign? No.

More Mail Misery: The Daily Mail also managed to write a lengthy (headline) article on how X-Factor producers ordered Dannii Minogue and Louis Walsh to swap seats. Goodness me!

Inspired Substitutions Bring Victory but why did Sam Allardyce start with one up front at home against 20th place club Portsmouth in the first place?

Raúl Madrid Update: Last week I suggested Manuel Pellegrini wasn’t brave enough to drop Raúl. I was wrong. He’s benched him in the last three games now. With Higuain and Benzema up front Madrid looked quicker and more dynamic, with better options for men in possession and better movement. This allowed them to completely dominate the first hour of the game against Atletico Madrid until Raúl was substituted on in place of Higuain, who scored a goal with his final kick of the football to put Real Madrid 3-0 up. Though the sending off of Sergio Ramos was obviously problematic (to say the least), Madrid’s ten men were not helped by Raul’s lack of pace or his tendency to come incredibly deep for the ball, leaving Kaka as the furthest man forward. It was not necessary to change a forward pairing that was working so effectively. Raúl’s presence has a detrimental effect on Kaka, on the team’s mobility and their most of all their shape. Holding possession with ten men is difficult enough at the best of times. Having Raúl on the pitch as the lone striker made it even harder.

Why, why, why...? Morrissey stormed off stage and called off a gig in Liverpool only two songs in after he was hit on the head by a bottle thrown from the crowd. Reasonable enough, really. But why was anyone in the crowd throwing stuff at him in the first place? It was a Morrissey concert, on a Morrissey tour. Why are you there if you don’t like him?

I’m Drowning In Jokealism: Almost every preview, match report or article relating to Lyon v Liverpool is filled with hyperbole. They treat Liverpool’s problems almost completely in isolation, free of the fact that – shock horror – Lyon might have had some of their own too, and most of all ignore that rather important little nugget of quality journalism... context.

The BBC once again spoke of Liverpool’s “severe injury crisis.” Robbo Robson’s BBC blog called the Liverpool line-up a “makeshift 11.” Ian Herbert of the Independent described the Liverpool defence as “makeshift and ramshackle.” Hang on for a minute here, let’s look at the facts. Three of Liverpool’s defenders against Lyon could confidently be described as first choice – Jamie Carragher, Daniel Agger and Emiliano Insua are certainly players most would consider to be part of Liverpool’s strongest defensive line-up. Only Sotirios Kyrgiakos would have made way for Glen Johnson, who was missing through injury. In the absence of Johnson, Carragher was forced to move out of the centre to right-back, which is why Kyrgiakos came in and perhaps one reason why it might be considered makeshift. However, this was largely because Johnson’s deputy, Phillip Degen (who was fit and available), was not registered in Liverpool’s 25-man Champions League squad.

Moreover, it is disrespectful to Lyon to put Liverpool’s failings so largely down to their injury problems without recognition of the arguably worse problems that Lyon themselves faced.

Liverpool were forced to field Kyrgiakos because Johnson and Skrtel were missing. Two players. Had Johnson been available, Carragher could have played centre-back and their full strength defence would have been available. Alternatively, Skrtel would have been a better option than Kyrgiakos in the centre. The main issue was, therefore, missing those two defenders at the same time. However, at least Kyrgiakos is an experienced centre-back, even if he is fourth choice.

Lyon, on the other hand, only had one fit centre-back in their entire squad and were missing Francois Clerc, Jean-Alain Boumsong, Cleber Anderson and Mathieu Bodmer from their defence. As a result, midfielder Jeremy Toulalan was forced into the backline as Lyon did not even have four defenders available. So if we are to be besieged by reports of sorrow for Liverpool’s “makeshift” defence that still contained four recognised defenders, why not even a single word for a Lyon defence so badly stretched they had to shift their best midfielder back there? Surely throwing a midfielder into defence is more “makeshift and ramshackle” than simply fielding your fourth choice stopper? Let’s not forget also that at Anfield, Lyon played the entire second half with Toulalan and Gonalons in central defence, both midfielders by trade and the latter making only his fifth career appearance. Liverpool do not have a global monopoly on injury woes.

It got even worse for Lyon during the game, which at least the BBC acknowledged: “However, Lyon also had their problems with right-back Anthony Reveillere and midfielder Miralem Pjanic having to go off injured.” Such sympathies for Lyon lack context without mentioning their significant pre-existing problems in defence, as the phrasing implies those were the only problems they faced when that could not be further from the truth. Reveillere was already the second choice right-back and the man who replaced him, Lamine Gassama, was a 20-year-old who’s made less than 10 professional appearanes.

A number of reports blew Liverpool’s problems out of all proportion by simply exclaiming that they were missing seven players, thus making it some kind of mega-crisis. Once more, this number is meaningless without context. Two of those absentees were left-backs Andrea Dossena and Fabio Aurelio, who have this season been behind Insua in the pecking order anyway. Thus, it is hardly the end of the world to be missing your second and third choice left-backs when the first choice is fit, healthy and playing. Likewise the absence of Albert Riera, who had already been out of favour this season, was far from a major problem with both Yossi Benayoun and eventual near-hero Ryan Babel available. Liverpool’s injuries were not as heavily stacked and concentrated in one area the way Lyon’s were.

Simply declaring a number of injuries is misleading when at least half of them were to players who would not have featured in the starting XI anyway. Had Gerrard and one of Johnson or Skrtel been fit, there would have been little problem. Liverpool had three critical injuries. The other four players out were largely superfluous because they were backups to areas where the main players were available. By replacing Voronin with Gerrard and Kyrgiakos with either Johnson or Skrtel, Liverpool would have had what is essentially their first-choice starting line-up on the field, which is why describing their XI as “makeshift” is drastically over the top.

Skrtel and Johnson went on to start against Birmingham yesterday. Short term injuries to those two defenders was obviously a problem, but let’s not overplay their significance as if they’re serious long-term absentees. Manchester United were missing Vidic, Ferdinand, Berbatov and Park Ji Sung against Chelsea as well as perma-crocked Owen Hargreaves. Arsenal are missing Clichy, Walcott and Denilson among others. Tottenham were missing Modric, Bassong and Lennon as they beat Sunderland 2-0. Chelsea will lose a number of important players during the African Cup of Nations. All football teams must deal with injuries and absences.

I am not denying that Liverpool have injury problems, nor is this an attack on the club itself; I am simply asking for a little balance and perspective from the media. You can’t bemoan a mass of injuries as the root of their woes without considering who those injured players are and without recognising that their Champions League opposition too were facing a ‘severe injury crisis.’

Back on the topic of jokealism generally, Ian Herbert of the Independent also stated the equalising goal was scored by “Brazilian striker, Lissandro.” I’m sure an Argentine player just LOVES to be called Brazilian. In addition, his name is Lisandro. One S. Great research! We can all rely on you, huh! In addition, he described Torres’ left-footed miss in the first half as a “right foot shot.” Good to know our sports writers are really paying attention.

Egg of the Week: As if James Milner’s terrible penalty miss against Bolton was not bad enough, his team-mate Steve Sidwell succeeded in missing what can only be described as the egg of the season from the rebound. With the entire net gaping and Jaaskelainen still on the ground by the left post following his save, Sidwell blasted his shot against the right post. Why did he even hit the ball towards that side? Fortunately for Sidwell, it bounced into the path of Milner who slotted the football away but that does not excuse what was a truly shocking miss.

Buck-Buck-Brawckkkkk: In the Madrid derby, a looping cross from the right side found Karim Benzema coming in at the far post. With the ball dropping out of the air, Benzema had a huge gap at the right side of the net to direct his header into. However, being a fraidy cat, Benzema was less interested in making firm contact with his header than he was in avoiding the defender and goalkeeper who were rushing out to close him down. Benzema closed his eyes, shifted his body sideways and turned his head away as he connected with his header and sent it harmlessly over. Where’s the commitment, you big pansy? Take the hit and score a goal for your team.

Internet Thoughts of the Week: “Van Persie is a better striker than Ibrahimovich [sic]. I cannot understand how this clown is rated so high, i know that he shows off his pretty ineffective skills here and there and shows some strength to defenders, but a goal threat he isnt.

I have nearly watched every Barcelona match this season and im baffled how this guy was bought for so much money and offers so little to the team.”

“A goal threat he isn’t”? Last season Zlatan Ibrahimovic was top scorer in Serie A with 25 goals in 35 games. He left Inter Milan with 57 goals in 88 league appearances, a 2 in 3 record. This season, he has already scored 7 goals in 9 La Liga appearances. He set a new Barcelona record by becoming the first player to score in all five of his first five appearances for the club. But we wouldn’t want to let the facts get in the way of sensational claims, would we? Apparently he offers “little to the team” as well. Apart from being joint second top scorer in La Liga (with team-mate Lionel Messi), Zlatan has also provided 4 assists to his colleagues. 7 goals and 4 assists in 9 appearances? Pathetic!

This person might have watched every Barcelona match this season, but they obviously weren’t paying much attention.

Gattuso Joins Chelsea in £22.4m Deal: Yes, Football Manager is back and more realistic than ever. I started five seasons, and Chelsea bought Gattuso for that fee all five times. The transfers are just downright fantastic. Despite supposedly reworking the transfer system for last year’s edition, they are quite possibly crazier than ever. Arsenal’s Denilson to Man City for £23.5m? Sure! Luka Modric to Barcelona for £40m? Sounds about right! And those were just in the first season! Moving into the summer prior to the 2010/11 season I was seeing all sorts. West Brom bringing in Zenit’s Alessandro Rosina for £18m. Barcelona bringing Giovani dos Santos back home for £17m. Ryan Shawcross to Man Utd for £15m. Yeah, this all sounds sensible enough! Darijo Srna to Sevilla for £19m? Why not! The more the merrier! My personal favourite was Arjen Robben to AC Milan for £43.5m. Superb. I could go on and on forever, but I’ll spare you. That’s more than enough.

One of the big new features is a brand new, more advanced Editor. I had quite a bit of fun with the editor and my newfound ability to create leagues and rules and suchlike. Obviously my first port of call was the banning of filthy scum foreigners from the wonderful English leagues. It worked quite well, in fact. Sort of. Transfer fees for very average British players skyrocketed immediately, with the likes of Nathan Delfouneso going for over £30m within the first six months of the season. Alright, he’s a promising young player but that’s a tiny little bit over the top. One slight, SLIGHT problem was that the AI managers didn’t seem to quite understand the new rules. Manchester City, though not in any kind of European competition, still saw fit to spend a combined £50m on securing Fernando Torres and Dirk Kuyt, seemingly unaware that they couldn’t actually, y’know, play. Other teams did the same, for varying fees. Manchester United also granted Nemanja Vidic a new 4-year contract. He must have been really good in those 6 Champions League games he played in.

We’ve also got a wonderful new interface for no apparent reason. Though SI claim to have spent billions of man-hours researching ways to improve the GUI, I don’t see much improvement at all. Some features actually require more mouseclicks to access than they did before. For example, Match Stats, Player Ratings, Home Stats and Away Stats were all available on a bar down the left on the previous matchday screen, accessible by a single click, while now you must first navigate to a tab called ‘Stats’ first before selecting the specific type you want. It just seems like change for the sake of it. The new fancy-dan tactics creator is nothing more than a mask for the old sliders. And you still have to use + and – buttons to set your transfer bids when it would be so much easier if you could just type in a number.

Moving onto the most important thing, the match engine, and we encounter quite a lot of problems. Strikers are once again ultra-prolific while other positions score few goals. You have the likes of Carlos Tevez scoring 58 goals in 58 games in all competitions, Roman Pavlyuchenko with 17 in 19 starts and Ezequiel Lavezzi with 22 in 31 league games. In reality Tevez has scored 45 goals in 139 appearances since he came to Europe in 2006. In FM10 he managed 36 league goals in 38 games, more in a single season than the 28 league goals he has scored in England in over 3 years and 97 appearances in reality! Ezequiel Lavezzi has scored only 17 league goals for Napoli in total (in 77 appearances) yet in FM10 he managed to more than double that tally in a single season. Quite incredible. The likes of Dimitar Berbatov and Klaas-Jan Cupcake score an obscene number of goals too. Well, everyone does really.

FM10’s match engine also brings with it a bizarre level of pass completion. The likes of Xavi and Iniesta can barely scrape a 70% completion rate over the course of a season in FM. In reality, Xavi finished last season’s Champions League competition with a completion rate of 91%, as well as a whopping 93% in La Liga, the same figure he also achieved in Euro 2008. Why the enormous discrepancy? Apparently SI toned down the pass completion ratios in accordance with statistics but I don’t know what crazy statistics they were looking at. I can only imagine they’ve applied some sweeping across-the-board average to the entire game which has completely screwed over the teams and players who can actually pass. Looking through the match statistics of many, many games it became clear that it was incredibly rare for any team to finish a match with much more than 70% pass completion, regardless of who it was. In reality, even the likes of Bolton and Stoke manage somewhere around that rate each week and they are hardly the world-renowned passers that Barcelona and Arsenal are. In these two matches against Tottenham, Arsenal managed only 66% and 67% pass completion in FM10, while in the real fixture this season which was won by a similar scoreline, they managed 84%. Arsenal’s 66.5% average across those two wins in FM10 was worse than the 71% Bolton managed in a 0-4 loss to Chelsea in reality.

The player attributes are of course still completely bonkers due to the inconsistent researchers with their wild opinions and inability to show reason in how they rate their team’s players. While the thousands of players in the database would make wide scale cross-referencing impossible or at least unrealistic, there should at least be a number of players used as controls and reference points for each researcher, particularly in the most well-known teams and leagues. That would at least put a stop to the bizarre examples I’m about to give below.

Lucio, the Inter Milan defender, has a rating of 19 for Acceleration. This is more than Cristiano Ronaldo, Lionel Messi, Ezequiel Lavezzi, Aaron Lennon, Darren Bent and Arjen Robben. There are a lot more, but you get the point. Mad. Totally mad. Oh, and Andrea Dossena is just as fast as Messi and Ronaldo.

Another one, Gennaro Gattuso has 14 for Pace, while we also have:
Anelka – 13. Milner – 12. Iniesta – 13. Di Natale – 14. Tevez – 13.

My Football Manager 2010 verdict: Uninstalled.

Sour Team of the Week: Bolton Wanderers. Following their 5-1 humiliation at Villa Park, Bolton have now conceded 13 goals in their last 3 games, scoring only once in that time.

Deluded Tabloid of the Week: “Barcelona are lining up an £85m summer bid for Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney - and believe the Old Trafford club's huge debts mean they would consider the offer.” News of the World.

What. The. Hell?

Barcelona are not crazy enough to blow £85m on a single player. Where exactly is Rooney supposed to fit into the team? Are they going to drop Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who himself cost over £40m? Or perhaps have Rooney take Henry’s place on the left wing, a position Rooney has ‘enjoyed’ so frequently for Manchester United?

“Up to four Premier League clubs willl try to sign AC Milan striker Klass-Jan Huntelaar for a cut-price £12m in January, with Tottenham, Manchester United, Liverpool and Birmingham all interested.” News of the World.

This is a fantastic list of clubs. Hey, Birmingham! They have money now, right? Let’s have them spend some of it! In fairness, they’re probably the most realistic team on the list, given how rubbish Huntelaar is. Tottenham, Manchester United and Liverpool all have better options already. What’s with £12m being “cut-price” as well? Sounds like a rip-off to me.

Expect the Expected: Sky spent all week building the hype for the “Grand Slam Sunday” encounter, only for the match to end up being the most boring contest of the entire weekend.

Classless Buffoon of the Week:
There can be only one winner in the latest edition of Classless Buffoon and that is Mike Ashley, who last Wednesday decided to rename St. James’ Park after his own sports retail chain. It was bad enough when he announced his plan to sell the naming rights of the stadium to bring in extra revenue, but to then go ahead and rename it anyway without any investor actually coming in, for no extra revenue at all, to something as downright ridiculous and hilarious as’ParkStadium is just utterly insane. I just can’t fathom the reasoning behind it. To rename it in the name of extra cash which might help the club is one thing, and something the supporters might be able to begrudgingly accept, but this is simply the ego trip of a lunatic. The Newcastle fans definitely have it the worst, but I also feel extremely sorry for the broadcasters who’ll now have to report that they’re at Ye Olde Email Stadium.

Next week: Meaningless friendlies and fixed playoffs, it’s international week!

Tuesday, 3 November 2009

20 - 3 + 2 = 25 = ???Profit???

Stan Collymore this week wrote an article in The Mirror proclaiming that in order “to compete with La Liga and Serie A” the Premier League should scrap relegation and replace the league’s small clubs with ‘big clubs’ such as Newcastle and Leeds. This, he says, would guarantee that “huge derbies” such as Newcastle v Sunderland and Leeds v ?someone? would occur each year to the eternal delight of fans. I’m not sure who these fans are though, other than Newcastle and Sunderland fans. Newsflash to Stan: football viewers in Saudi Arabia don’t care about Newcastle v Sunderland any more than you care about Genoa v Sampdoria. That isn’t going to change no matter how many times you repeat the phrase “one of the world’s biggest derbies.”

Next, the whole idea of scrapping relegation is insane. Actually insane. Take today’s league table as an example. Portmsouth and West Ham are already cut adrift at the bottom. In Stan’s league the top six European places are the only ones with any reward, so for a club already a dozen points off the pace after eleven games in the first week of NOVEMBER, the season is over. They don’t have to worry about fighting against relegation and they’re too far behind to challenge even the top half of the table. It’s over. The players can relax, sit back and pick up their handsome wage for the rest of the season. This scenario would be exacerbated yet further by his planned expansion to 25 teams, where you’ll realistically have the top ten duking it out for the European spots and another FIFTEEN teams with no reason to compete. Fabulous. I’m sure the foreign markets will be sold on that! He uses the NFL as an example of a successful and competitive league with a fixed roster and no relegation, seemingly unaware that despite its name the NFL is not actually a league. I’m not even going to bother dealing with how stupid it would be to add another 10 games to a calendar that already contains around 60 in all competitions for clubs and even more including internationals.

How are these 25 teams decided anyway? He wants to get rid of small clubs such as Wigan, Bolton and Hull which would reduce the current size of the league to seventeen and then expand it to twenty-five ‘big clubs.’ Who are these other eight big clubs? Newcastle, Leeds and...? Bury won the FA Cup by a record 6-0 scoreline in 1903, let’s get them in there! After all, that was only a little over 100 years ago, which was the timeframe used by Collymore to define the “modern era,” stretching the term ‘liberal interpretation’ to unprecedented levels. Considering the world’s oldest football club, Sheffield FC, is 152 years old, defining the “modern era” as two-thirds the history of organised football is certainly quite something. Only 23 teams have actually won the championship in England’s top tier, so it can’t even be a league entirely populated by champions. The idea that there are 25 historically ‘big’ clubs in England is a figment of Collymore’s imagination, which is why he could only name two new additions to his super-league.

Furthermore, his idea that this horrible, horrible new format is necessary to “compete with La Liga and Serie A” is unbelievably misguided when the current format has already made the Premier League the most watched, and richest, sporting league in the world. Serie A in particular lags well behind the Premier League in global presence and revenue, with its clubs spending nowhere near as much money on transfers and wages, as well as attendances that have dropped dramatically in the last five years. La Liga possesses strong brands in Real Madrid and Barcelona but the practice of clubs selling their TV rights individually means La Liga’s presence as a collective brand is not as strong in foreign markets as the Premier League. So, perhaps Stan would be better off pitching this idea to Spanish or Italian officials in order to help them compete with the Premier League. Even if the Premier League was behind its competition and needed to catch up, it seems extremely strange to blame the 20-team promotion/relegation format as the reason when it’s the exact same format your (hypothetical) superior competitors are using. Why are ‘small teams’ and ‘not enough derbies’ the problem if you’re falling behind other leagues that have both of those things?

Foreign broadcasters will not pay any more for Premier League TV rights for the likes of Newcastle and Leeds. The big draws are the Champions League clubs, and they are in no danger of being relegated any time soon. Collymore’s idea that the football league pyramid in England need not be a meritocracy is abhorrent and completely against the very principles the sport is founded upon. If Newcastle and Leeds return to the Premier League it will be because they have earned it, and that’s exactly how it should be.

Stats of the Week No. 1: Robin van Persie has scored in each of his last five Premier League games, scoring six goals in total in that time.

Stats of the Week No. 2: There were 11 seconds of playing time between Arsenal’s first and second goals against Tottenham Hotspur.

Stats of the Week No. 3: Graham Alexander has scored 68 of his 73 career penalties.

Stats of the Week No. 4: John Carew scored Aston Villa’s equaliser against Everton with his first on-target shot of the season.

Stats of the Week No. 5: Jamie Carragher’s red card against Fulham was his first Premier League red card in 7 years. All 3 of his career red cards came in London.

Stats of the Week No. 6: Javier Mascherano last week received Liverpool’s first Premier League red card in over a year. They have now received 3 red cards in their last 2 games.

Stats of the Week No. 7: Liverpool have also lost 6 of their last 7 games.

Stats of the Week No. 8: There were 8 red cards in 9 Premier League games on Saturday, the most ever in a single day. The final Premier League game of the weekend on Sunday also saw Birmingham’s Barry Ferguson sent off.

Stats of the Week No. 9: David ‘Charles’ N’Gog has the best goals-per-minute ratio in the Premier League, with 2 goals in 44 minutes of play.

Stats of the Week No. 10: Manchester City’s goalless draw against Birmingham was their first in the league since March 2008.

Sweet Plays of the Week: Dimitar Berbatov scored a tremendous volley on the turn as he latched onto Patrice Evra’s wayward and wild shot. With the ball skidding along the deck at pace, Berbatov trapped it sublimely with his left foot with his first touch, before swivelling sublimely to lash it home with his second.

Spartak Moscow’s Brazilian midfielder Alex scored the chip of the week as he ran into the Rostov box, shot faked once, shot faked twice and then chipped the ball perfectly over a crowd of defenders and the goalkeeper into the net. A Rostov defender lightly handled the ball as it crossed the line, but then decided it wasn’t such a great idea and let it go in anyway.

Erik Nevland demonstrated his speed of thought and lightning-quick reactions by backheeling Clint Dempsey’s knockdown past Pepe Reina to put Fulham ahead against Liverpool. The Norwegian striker had mere seconds to react to the ball coming towards him and it is to his great credit that he possessed both the skill and intelligence to divert it goalward when many others in his position would merely have controlled the ball and tried to hang onto it.

A stunning first touch with the outside of his left foot as he ran onto Collison’s through ball allowed Carlton Cole to fool Craig Gordon and slot his goal away comfortably. Delicate, simple but oh-so-effective. West Ham still haven’t won a game when he’s scored though, so maybe he should stop.

‘The’ Sweet Play of the Week: Anelka clipped the ball across from the left wing into the path of Deco in the ‘D.’ Deco then chested it forward to Lampard inside the area who, with his back to goal, flicked the ball with his heel up and over the head of Bolton defender Gary Cahill, leaving Drogba to finish clinically low into the far corner with his right foot.

Sour Plays of the Week No. 1: Dirk Kuyt, regularly lauded for his unparalleled workrate, was largely culpable for Nevland’s goal against Liverpool. With the ball going out of play for a Fulham throw on the left touchline, Kuyt committed all his energy to chasing it down, sliding along the pitch and preventing the throw. By going to ground Kuyt eliminated himself from the game and created the space for Konchesky to pick up the loose ball, drive down the wing at pace and cross for Nevland to score. A lazier or perhaps smarter player would have let the ball go out and conceded the throw in an unthreatening position, also allowing the team time to re-organise during the stoppage.

Sour Plays of the Week No. 2: As a Wigan attack broke down on the edge of the Portsmouth penalty area, Pompey looked to counter-attack quickly on the turnover of possession. However, Wigan still had three men back against a single Portsmouth attacker. Surely one of the defenders would have moved across to Piquionne to put him under pressure should he look to receive a pass? Nah, no point in that! Let’s instead play a ludicrously dangerous offside trap near the halfway line and leave Piquionne unmarked to run onto a painfully simple straight pass and score! Yeah!

Sour Plays of the Week No. 3: The suicidal offside trap was also on display at Sunderland as Nyron Nosworthy tried to run out and play Jack Collison offside as the ball was played down the right flank. Unfortunately for Nosworthy the rest of his backline were not on the same wavelength, leaving him horribly out of position with a huge gap in the defence. Guillermo Franco was only too happy to exploit that gap and score the opener.

Adventures in tactics: Following the sending off of right-back Carlos Cuellar against Everton, Martin O’Neill moved quickly to bring midfielder Nigel Reo=Coker off the bench to take Cuellar’s place at right-back. Aston Villa’s unused substitutes included right-backs Luke Young and Habib Beye.

It’s Not Over ‘til it’s Over: For the second week in a row, two Premier League teams failed to win from a 2-0 leading position. West Ham, fresh from last week’s comeback, got a taste of their own medicine as they couldn’t even hang on against 10 men!

Raúl Madrid Update: Gonzalo Higuain continues to overshadow his glamorous colleague Karim “€35m” Benzema with 3 goals in 3 starts in La Liga, the same figure Benzema has amassed in 7 starts and almost 200 minutes more game-time. It remains beyond me why Madrid bought Benzema when they already had Higuain as well as excellent backup in Alvaro Negredo among others. Higuain was always going to be the one to make way for Benzema in the starting line-up considering Lord Raúl’s undroppable nature, which makes the transfer all the more illogical. Why bring in an expensive, essentially unproven player to replace someone who was already one of the league’s top 5 strikers? Having already added Cristiano Ronaldo to the squad, scoring goals was not going to be a problem. Benzema’s presence has put Pellegrini in an almost untenable position where he has to drop either a club legend who controls the dressing room, his best striker, or an incredibly pricey summer purchase made by the club directors – his employers. Politics dictate that it will always be the second option, even though it’s the worst one. This is why club directors should not be responsible for recruitment of personnel.

Yes, I am aware both Benzema and Higuain started together against Getafe with Raúl on the bench, but that was with an eye on tonight’s Champion’s League match. The norm is, and will remain to be, Raúl +1.

Classless Buffoon of the Week: Marlon King. There’s not much that needs to be said.

Sack-watch: Roy “Things Are Looking Up” Keane finally secured his first win as Ipswich manageragainst Derby County. Another few points will lift them out of the relegation zone and he can begin looking towards a nice mid-table finish. One can only imagine the entire squad joined in the slaughtering of a pig in celebration.

Rumour had it Phil Brown would be sacked if Hull lost against Burnley. They did... he wasn’t. "Phil will be manager on Sunday but there's no point me saying he's got a job for life, that's not the case,” went the ringing endorsement from new chairman Adam Pearson. Rumour now has it he has been given a stay of execution until he completes recording of his debut album, provisionally titled Phil Brown: Songs of Lament.

“Coming soon to iTunes”

Play to the Whistle! Arsenal received a significant helping hand from the referee in scoring their first goal against Top Four Totteringham. Referee Mark Clattenburg played advantage after Sagna emerged with the ball following a foul on Eduardo, but the Tottenham players stopped when they saw the assistant referee signal for a foul, despite the referee failing to blow the whistle. The linesman is not in charge! As a result, Sagna had far more time than he should have had to measure his cross to van Persie.

Overreaction of the Week: “Man Utd facing defensive injury crisis” said the BBC. Yes, they were missing Vidic and Ferdinand, but given their performances over the past few weeks I’m not sure it was such a big problem to have them replaced by two proven Premier League performers, Brown and Evans, for one game. Not only that but a game against Blackburn; a team with 3 goals for and 18 against in 5 away games this season.

Wal-Mart to sell Coffins: I don’t think anything says “I’ll miss you” better than an $895 ‘Dad Remembered’ bargain-basement coffin. Unfortunately details are not yet forthcoming on possible buy-one-get-one-free offers, or whether discounts will be available should the deceased have met their end thanks to Wal-Mart ammunition.

Sweet ‘N’ Sour Play of the Week: Straight from the Tottenham kick-off following van Persie’s opening goal, Fabregas skipped past numerous challenges from the halfway line, showing tremendous skill, control and poise, finishing it off tremendously with his right foot. That was sweet. The Spurs players were seemingly still in a daze when they kicked off, with their heads in the clouds as they recklessly dived into challenges at the feet of Fabregas when it was entirely unnecessary to do so. That was sour.

Egg of the Week: Eduardo may have been granted a reprieve by UEFA for his diving antics against Celtic earlier in the season, but the football gods are not nearly as forgiving. Running through on Gomes without a single Tottenham defender within (approximately) a thousand miles of him, Eduardo slowly weighed up his options. Could he go for the lob? Could he go for the nutmeg? Could he take it round Gomes? Could he knock the ball to either side to create an angle to slot it in? No, none of those things were the right choice for ‘the league’s most natural finisher.’ The right choice, obviously, was to tamely scuff a pathetic shot wide of the left hand post, a shot which was off target from the moment it left Eduardo’s boot, a shot which under no circumstances was ever going to go in. All in a day’s work when you’re a highly-reputed clinical finisher.

Honourable mention: Gabriel Obertan of Manchester United managed to scuff a shot wide on his league debut from around six yards with the goal gaping.

Noooooo! N-Gage to be shut down in 2010.

Adventures in Officiating: Returning to the Premier League after his oh-so-effective one week demotion, Mike Jones had resolved all of his flaws and was reinvigorated with the spirit of refereeing excellence. Or not. Geovanni scored a goal for Hull directly from a free kick to tie the game 1-1 against Burnley, but Jones decided to blow his whistle for some irrelevant pushing and shoving in the wall when the ball had already cleared it and was heading for the net. Incensed, Geovanni complained bitterly at his perfectly legitimate goal being disallowed and received a yellow card for his trouble. Later on, as Geovanni chased down an opponent, he lost his footing and slipped on the wet turf and accidentally tripped a Burnley player as he fell over. Mike Jones, ever the eagle-eyed spotter of infringements, gave Geovanni a second yellow card for that non-offence and sent him off. Oh, and let’s not forget the penalty he awarded to Burnley after Stephen Hunt committed the offence of being-close-to-Mears-when-he-does-an-airshot-and-falls-over.

Special mention also to Antonio Mateu Lahoz, who sent off Real Madrid’s Raul Albiol apparently because Roberto Soldado pulled his shirt and fell over.

comment by cybermonkeypuzzle1 (U14180333) on 606: “I see that Mr beckham scored two goals in 18 matches the last time he was with Milan. So they must be looking forward to his forthcoming contribution in selling shirts and also for Armani a boost in their suit sales”

Because Beckham is a striker of course, to be judged solely on his goal return. I see someone who didn’t watch a single one of David Beckham’s fantastic performances for AC Milan last season. I see someone who has no idea what he’s talking about but takes delight in his petty and immature criticism nevertheless.

Expect the Expected: Michael Owen ‘uncharacteristically’ missed a chance against Blackburn, causing the commentator to declare “you would have put just about everything you own on Michael Owen scoring there!” Perhaps I’d have considered it... 10 years ago.

Next Week: Burnley disband, too humble to become big enough for the Asian TV market.

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

Things never change

Over the last few weeks we have seen a gentle bursting of the Wayne Rooney hype bubble, whose blistering form during the first month of the season drew claims that he was ‘stepping out of Ronaldo’s shadow’ or ‘taking up the mantle of Ronaldo,’ that he had finally been set free of Ronaldo’s stifling influence. In reality we have seen this sort of form from Rooney plenty of times before, both with and without Ronaldo doing whatever he did that made Rooney bad/good. Acknowledging that would not be in the interests of clichéd hack-journalism and punditry though, so instead a five or six game spell was deemed to be more than enough evidence that Rooney had finally become the greatest striker of all time. TMC prefers to look at the real facts, though. So let’s do that.

Between September and October last year Rooney scored eight goals in six games for club and country and then, much like now, followed it up with a seven-game goalless streak and a string of mediocre performances. From January to March this calendar year, he scored six in seven appearances (the goalless game a 5-minute cameo) before another five games without a goal. He ended that run with four goals in five games once more in April before going scoreless in the final seven games of the season. Going back a season further, we see exactly the same trend. In October 2007 Rooney scored seven goals in seven games before, you’ve guessed it, a five game goalless run. The fact is, Rooney always has a hot run around the beginning of each season. This season is no different and his form has nothing to do with the departure of Ronaldo and most certainly nothing to do with being in the centre rather than the wing which, if one looks at the facts rather than the soundbites of pundits, was a position he only played in around 1 out of every 6 games last season. That’s 5 out of 6 in the centre, people! On the other hand, it has everything to do with him being Wayne Rooney and being the player he’s always been.

It is abundantly clear that there is no mystery or sinister reason behind his inconsistency. He is simply inconsistent and that’s it. Pinning his inconsistency on others is desperation. It is a refusal to accept the simple truth. When Rooney was scoring we were bombarded from all sides with the apparently genius insight that he was ‘finally being allowed to thrive in his natural central role,’ but this was nothing more than wild and unfounded pseudo-analysis. Sensationalism. Why did pundits and ‘experts’ see fit to claim, after only six games’ evidence, that we had seen Wayne Rooney become a prolific scorer when he was simply following the precedent he’d set in the previous two seasons? And indeed, a precedent set when his nemesis Ronaldo was in the team. When Rooney scores again in the near future, there is no doubt the talk will revolve around his increased scoring rate this season, ignoring the truth because it does not suit the media’s agenda. Contrary to the received wisdom that Rooney has been ‘unleashed’ this season, TMC would go so far as to say he’s more the same than ever. Perhaps Rooney will find consistency in time and perhaps he will eventually become prolific, but that will become evident over seasons, not four to five weeks. If Rooney’s goal return does increase this season, it will be largely down to his newly inherited penalty duties rather than any significant change in his all-round game.

However, it may be entirely possible that I’m wrong and Rooney’s hot-streak-followed-by-drought pattern is now down to Berbatov being too lazy, Giggs kicking the ball with his right foot too much or the cool winter weather moving in on Manchester. I do have to admit, I think I saw him out on the left a couple of times against Liverpool...

Stats of the Week No. 1: Real Madrid won 7 out of 7 games with Cristiano Ronaldo in the team. Without him, they have won only 1 out of 4.

Stats of the Week No. 2: Nemanja Vidic has been sent off in each of his last 3 appearances against Liverpool.

Stats of the Week No. 3: Against Manchester United this weekend, Javier Mascherano became the first Liverpool player to be sent off in the Premier League since... Javier Mascherano against Manchester United on 23rd March 2008.

Stats of the Week No. 4: Udinese have scored 12 goals in Serie A this season – 9 of those from Antonio Di Natale.

Stats of the Week No. 5: Frank Lampard has hit every single one of his penalties into the left side of the goal this season. More below.

Stats of the Week No. 6: Clint Dempsey scored his first goal of the season against Manchester City with his 29th shot, previously more than any other scoreless player.

Stats of the Week No. 7: Carlton Cole has scored in five games this season but West Ham have won none of them.

Stats of the Week No. 8: Dutch cupcake destroyer Klaas-Jan Huntelaar is yet to score a goal this season, eight games into his AC Milan career.

Stats of the Week No. 9: Of Stoke City’s nine goals this season, only one has come from a Rory Delap long throw. That was in their 2-0 opening-day win over Burnley.

Stats of the Week No. 10: Arsenal had previously never conceded more than 11 goals in their first 9 Premier League games. This season they have conceded 13.

"We did it! A clean sheet against the league's worst attack!"

Sweet Plays of the Week: The undoubted goal of the weekend in Serie A saw Antonio Cassano chip the ball forward to striker Giampaolo Pazzini who, having controlled superbly with his chest, turned quickly and lofted a pass into the path of the oncoming Daniele Mannini. With the ball dropping straight down in front of him, Mannini smashed home an unstoppable first-time volley at the near post from the right side of the penalty area.

In the Bundesliga, Andreas Ivanschitz broke through the Freiburg offside trap and managed to get his toe on the end of a delightful lofted through pass to delicately lift the ball over the oncoming keeper and score a fantastic lob.

Seydou Keita scored his first career hat-trick against Zaragoza and his second goal was the best of the bunch. Having won a tackle deep in midfield, fifteen yards from his own box, Keita distributed the ball to Busquets. Busquets, Xavi and Iniesta exchanged a few passes in midfield before an incredible defence splitting pass from Xavi released Ibrahimovic down the left. Ibrahimovic then provided the perfect cross for Keita, who had followed the run of play and made a sixty-yard run into the six yard box to score a comfortable tap-in, starting and finishing the move.

‘The’ Sweet Play of the Week: Pablo Hernandez, take a bow, son! A quick counter attack by Valencia saw Pablo receive the ball just inside the opposition half. Realising he had no support and would soon be closed down by the Almeria defence, Pablo possessed the vision and awareness to spot Esteban off his line and sent a glorious chip over the stranded goalkeeper and into the Almeria goal from forty yards.

Sour Plays of the Week No. 1: Against Wolves, John Carew found himself in an excellent crossing position on the edge of the box, but managed to slice his cross so horribly it eventually went out for a throw-in at the halfway line on the opposite side of the pitch.

Sour Plays of the Week No. 2: During the first half against Liverpool, Paul Scholes took a poor touch in the centre of midfield before poking the ball tamely into the path of Lucas, providing Liverpool with a three-on-two counter attacking situation. Lucas threaded the ball through to Dirk Kuyt on the right who, fortunately for Scholes, dragged a glorious chance wide of the far post.

Surprise of the Week: “McLeish drops plan to sign Wolfsburg pair
Birmingham manager has decided that it would be too expensive to prise Edin Dzeko and Grafite from the German champions.”

Yes, money was the only obstacle preventing Birmingham from signing those two players. It was nothing to do with the fact they play for the reigning German champions, that Wolfsburg are a club currently on course to qualify for the last sixteen of the Champions League, that should Wolfsburg express a willingness to sell they’d face competition from any number of European powerhouses or that Birmingham are a club who can’t even fill their (not even big) stadium for a local derby. Nope, Alex McLeish simply decided they were too expensive. That’s all.

Wii Fit Defies Limits of Human Physiology: In a stunning move of bizarrely ridiculous proportions, the Nintendo Wii Fit Plus has received the official NHS seal of approval as part of its Change4Life campaign. Not only am I shocked by their support for a gimmicky piece of equipment which is drastically less effective and significantly more expensive than simply jogging, but by the fact the NHS is endorsing a product which claims to be capable of doing things which aren’t even humanly possible. Nintendo claim that "If you are worried about your bingo wings or your flabby bum, the game will give you specific exercises to target those areas." That is very, very impressive, as it means Nintendo have apparently invented a means of spot-reducing fat, previously thought to be impossible. Well... not previously. It is impossible. And it’s why Wii Fit is just as stupid, pointless and useless as every other fad ‘health’ or ‘fitness’ product. If Nintendo are happy to release misleading and false statements about the capabilities of their product (capabilities which couldn’t possibly exist), then what can be believed about their material on the Wii Fit? How can we believe any of the PR is true? Quite simply, we can’t. Because it isn’t. Most troubling is that the NHS has fallen for it and is encouraging the use of this sham product. This is an organisation we are supposed to trust to look after our medical needs. What next? The NHS promotes ab-belts and diet pills to children?

"My Story: How I Lost 100lbs by leaning"

Don’t Guess: Many, if not most goalkeepers have a tendency to pick a side and dive when faced with a penalty. This is a bad idea. Penalty takers are well aware of this trend, which is why so many simply wait for the keeper to make his move during their run up and roll the ball into the opposite side of the net. The evidence of this phenomenon is widespread. Witness Frank Lampard’s penalty against Blackburn this weekend – Robinson is already going down to the right side before Lampard even makes contact with the ball! What makes it even worse is that he had not done his research. It should be part of any good goalkeeper’s job to be aware of each club’s regular penalty takers and their favoured side. If you’re going to gamble and dive blindly to one side, at least make it the side the player hits all of his penalties into!

Most critically, by gambling instead of reacting to the shot Robinson eliminated any chance he had of saving it. Lampard let him dive and went the opposite way and while the penalty was firmly struck, it was placed nowhere near the corner of the goal. Had Robinson waited for Lampard to shoot before reacting, making a save would have at least been a possibility. More importantly, he would not have kindly made Lampard’s mind up for him. As I already outlined, penalty takers are happy to let the goalkeeper commit himself and then go the opposite way, but by standing his ground a goalkeeper can create indecision in the penalty taker. Indecision leads to bad penalties. Examples of such penalties are near-endless. See Dimitar Berbatov in the FA Cup semi-final against Everton, Alessandro Del Piero in the Peace Cup or even more famously Andriy Shevchenko in the 2005 Champions League final. TMC has long been baffled that keepers do not take this approach every time.

Next up: Wolves v Aston Villa. Brad Friedel, like his colleague Robinson, was already heading down to the left side before Ebanks-Blake struck the ball and scored the Wolves equaliser. Had Friedel waited to react, he would have already been in position to make an attempt at saving the penalty which was struck right down the middle of the goal. Such was the force with which Ebanks-Blake fired the ball, Friedel would most probably not have saved it anyway. Even if he had got a hand to the ball, the sheer velocity would have been too much for him to resist. This should be a valuable lesson to keepers. While guessing a side and diving provides them with a 33% chance of going the right way, the fact is that against quality penalties they are unlikely to make the save regardless. Top quality penalty takers are those who find the corners with power time after time after time. Guessing is of no help to goalkeepers wishing to save such an effort. Simply pre-empting the direction of the penalty is not enough. So, since they’re never going to save well-taken penalties either by guessing or reacting, they might as well write these off as unsaveable and focus on the penalties which are saveable – the ones they make possible, nay, encourage by guessing in the first place. In summary, guessing is silly and self-defeating.

Sack-watch: Ipswich Town remain winless and rock bottom of the Championship after fourteen games under Roy “Marcus Evans Hasn’t Fired Me Quite Yet” Keane. His predecessor Jim Magilton, sacked for leading Ipswich to an apparently unacceptable ninth position last term, currently sits in the playoff places with his new club QPR.

1485 miles away, Juande Ramos continues to struggle with clubs outside his native Spain, being given his marching orders by CSKA Moscow after only 47 days in charge.

The Crumble-off: Manchester City and Arsenal each squandered 2-0 leads to succumb to draws this weekend, raising serious questions over the resilience of their squads. For City, losing a 2-0 lead at home is particularly disappointing given the heavy investment in their defence over the summer and even more so when you consider that their ex-captain Richard Dunne is now part of an Aston Villa defence which is ranked joint-first in the Premier League. Aston Villa’s entire back four cost over £10m less than City’s centre-backs alone.

In Arsenal’s case, their mentality must come under heavy scrutiny because a team so capable of controlling a match should not have allowed West Ham to come back into it after obtaining a comfortable lead. When West Ham clawed one goal back Arsenal should have got hold of the ball and seen the match out through calm possession play. Instead they panicked and handed the initiative to their opposition, throwing the game away in the process. Arsenal have the ability to push for the title, but must eradicate these costly errors at the back. Mannone’s dreadful parry into the path of Carlton Cole from Diamanti’s free kick was akin to throwing the ball into his own net and gave West Ham a huge confidence lift. And while Thomas Vermaelen has had an incredible impact at the other end of the pitch, it remains unclear what difference he’s made at the end where his real responsibilities lie, defence. Arsenal continue to leak goals and are in fact, as seen above, conceding more than ever.

Monday Night Football Analysis: Leicester’s goal from a corner would not have gone in had Reading defended properly and put a man on the back post. Simple, but crucial.

Overreaction of the Week: “Liverpool boss Rafael Benitez is facing up to the worst injury crisis of his five years at the Reds' helm ahead of Sunday's visit of champions Manchester United,” wrote Paul Walker of the Press Association.

"We have just too many problems, I cannot remember an injury situation like this," said Benitez himself. “I have no idea what team I can put out against Manchester United.”

Come matchday, not only was Torres fit to start the game, he scored the decisive goal. Glen Johnson was fit and played the 90 minutes. Of the (three) players involved in Rafael Benitez’s ‘worst ever injury crisis,’ only Gerrard missed out. While Alberto Aquilani was also injured, he had already been carrying an injury for several months when he was brought to the club.

Sweet ‘N’ Sour Play of the Week: Zlatan Ibrahimovic scored a rocket free kick from thirty yards against Zaragoza but what was the keeper doing? He managed to get both hands on the ball but could still only palm it into the roof of the net. That’s just not good enough, however powerful the shot may have been.

Egg of the Week: This is the award served up every week to the player so profligate in front of goal he is most probably incapable of finishing an egg. There were a number of challengers vying for this illustrious prize and in the end it was too close to choose just one. First we have Real Zaragoza’s Ewerton. Zaragoza, on a quick counter attack, found their strikers two-on-one against a single Barcelona defender. Ever the generous soul, Ewerthon’s strike partner drew the defender towards the ball before playing his team mate clean through on goalkeeper Victor Valdes. In acres of space, under no defensive pressure and with all the time in the world to measure his shot, Ewerthon delicately placed a strike straight into the arms of Victor Valdes. Bravo. It’s not over though, there’s more! Shortly afterwards, Ewerthon broke the offside trap once again and in even more space than he had the first time, with the opportunity to rectify his earlier howler, Ewerthon stepped up to the plate and... did exactly the same thing again.

The second ‘winner’ is TMC favourite Bobby Zamora. Having already scored two (accidental) goals this season, Bobby was in no mood to equal his combined Premier League tally for the last two seasons (three) within seven appearances in the current season. Ergo, it was only logical for him to inexplicably miss an open net from six yards against Manchester City. At 0-0, Clint Dempsey struck a shot from the left side of the area which Given was only able to parry towards the feet of Zamora, standing unmarked on the edge of the six-yard box. With the helpless goalkeeper still sprawled out on the deck and an empty net to aim at, Bobby did the seemingly impossible and guided his shot wildly over the crossbar.

Clearance of the Week: James Beattie belied his rather large frame to perform a stunningly acrobatic overhead kick on his own goal-line and hook away what looked a certain goal from Peter Crouch’s header.

Block of the Week: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ cheerleaders were in attendance as QPR took on Watford in the Championship. Their presence seemed to confuse Wayne Routledge as he took a leaf out of the NFL playbook and used his body to physically prevent two Watford defenders from intercepting a pass to Jay Simpson who was able to score as a result. Clever, but illegal play by Routledge, not that the referee seemed to mind.

Internet Thoughts of the Week:
7. At 2:22pm on 23 Oct 2009, bow4fowler wrote:
Interesting article, although I do sense a bit of an anti-liverpol vibe.

22. At 3:00pm on 23 Oct 2009, barca4ever wrote:
Another Liverpool Blog. Nooooooooooooooooooooooo Not again. Phil seriously you are a Liverpool fan. Just admit it.

Above are two comments on a blog by BBC’s Phil McNulty. The same blog.
A football fan’s paranoia knows no bounds.

Deluded Tabloid of the Week: Daniele De Rossi for £10m – The Sun suggested Chelsea could secure the Roman enforcer for a paltry fee, seemingly ignorant of the World Cup winning, 51-time capped Roma vice-captain’s importance to his team. Liverpool signed Alberto Aquilani from Roma for £20m in the summer, who despite playing less than half as many games as De Rossi in the last three years is apparently twice as valuable according to the enlightened journalists at The Sun. And, of course, it completely overlooks De Rossi’s extreme loyalty to the Roman cause.

"Available in bargain bins worldwide"

Christmas Creep: Fearnecotton - just bought some robot xmas decorations. 12:11 PM Oct 24th

Expect the Expected: Fernando Torres has now scored six goals in his last five ‘Big Four’ encounters.

Classless Buffoon of the Week: “McLeish urges Birmingham fans to ‘get on Steve Bruce’s back’.”
We all know football fans like to jeer ex-players and managers and while that’s a perfectly legitimate part of the game and intrinsic to supporting your club, it is simply unprofessional for a fellow manager to actively encourage his club’s fans to abuse his predecessor, particularly one who did such a good job in his time there. The fans will make their own minds up in these situations; there is no need to incite them which is downright disrespectful. The man was simply going there to do his job, the same as McLeish.

You’ll never guess what happens next! In a surprising plot resolution that no-one, sorry, everyone saw coming in Stargate Universe, the good ship Destiny had indeed deliberately plotted a collision course with a star in order to recharge its power resources. It is clear that an ancient starcruiser which has been journeying through untold numbers of galaxies for millions of years would have some kind of energy renewal capability, which is why almost the entire viewership of the show predicted how events would pan out immediately after last week’s cliffhanger. How did none of the characters on board, including an abundance of so-called genius scientists, not even consider this possibility? If you wish to place your characters in mortal danger, you can’t make the resolution so painfully predictable. Not only was the plot predictable within itself, the show’s centrepiece is the Destiny. No-one will ever truly believe that it’s in danger of being destroyed – if it was the series would be over. And that’s not going to happen after five episodes.

On a related and even more sour note, we eventually saw Destiny venture into the star, with its shields capable of protecting the ship and its crew from the immense heat and radiation of the celestial body. However, these are the very same shields which in the show’s pilot episode (that was only three weeks ago, by the way) were incapable of even preventing oxygen from escaping through breaches in the hull. Curious.

Next week: TMC in crisis, facing an unprecedented lack of material.

Thursday, 22 October 2009


The talk of the week has been focused on Rafael Benitez and Liverpool’s struggles, but I think it’s time to reflect on last weekend’s results in the Premier League and hail the newfound depth in England's top flight. Let’s not forget that not only did Sunderland fully deserve their victory over Liverpool, but so did Aston Villa against Chelsea and underdogs Wigan backed up their impressive win against Chelsea with a gritty home draw against billionaires Man City. Remember also that Sunderland could, and perhaps should have beaten Manchester United only a week before and we could be looking at the most competitive year of Premier League action in quite some time, not only in the challengers for the holy grail of the ‘top four’ but throughout the league.

But is that really the case? Manchester United and Chelsea have each won 7 out of 9 games, right in line with expectation and on pace to win 28 games for the season, Manchester United’s title-winning total of 08-09. Do a few surprise results really mean the status quo has changed or should we hold back until the end of the season? After all, Hull won 2-1 at the Emirates Stadium last season and went on to barely survive relegation by the end. Manchester United lost 2-0 to Fulham. Chelsea and Manchester United each drew 0-0 at home with eventually-relegated Newcastle and Liverpool lost 2-0 to equally-relegated Middlesbrough. Arsenal looked to struggle for the first half of last season before comfortably securing fourth place by the conclusion. It would not be at all surprising to see Liverpool do exactly the same. That said, all predictions wrong or your money back.

Stats of the Week No. 1: This week Glenn Hoddle questioned whether Arsenal make the most of the attacking opportunities they create and whether their scoring ‘ratio’ was good enough. Arsenal have scored 27 goals in their opening 8 league games – a new Premier League record.

Stats of the Week No. 2: Continuing on the Arsenal theme, they’ve scored 27 goals from 129 shots. Manchester United 21 from 128 and Chelsea 19 from 155. That ratio doesn’t look so bad now, does it?

Stats of the Week No. 3: Get enough balls into the box and eventually something will happen. Matt Jarvis of Wolves has made 88 crosses this season, one every 8 minutes on average, and created only a single goal.

Stats of the Week No. 4: Frank Lampard had taken 42 shots this season in league and champions league action before finally breaking his open-play scoring duck against Atletico Madrid.

Stats of the Week No. 5: Darren Bent has scored with 32% of his shots this season, as well as being joint top scorer in the league – a better total and ratio than Defoe (6 at 23%) and Rooney (6 at 19%).

Stats of the Week No. 6: 9 of Aston Villa’s 12 league goals have come from set-pieces. Their defeated opponents Chelsea have conceded 8 goals this season, 6 of those from set plays.

Stats of the Week No. 7: Liverpool have the worst record in that regard, with 10 of their 13 goals conceded coming from set-pieces

Stats of the Week No. 8: Jason Scotland and Sylvan Ebanks-Blake were directly involved in a combined 59 goals in the Championship last season. So far they have been involved in 0 in the Premier League.

Stats of the Week No. 9: Bobby Zamora’s goal against Hull means he has already equalled his total for last season – 2. The first ricocheted off his arse, the second off his face.

Stats of the Week No. 10: Jay Spearing, playing as a defensive midfielder in his first Premier League start against Sunderland, didn’t make a single tackle in the 71 minutes he played.

Sweet Plays of the Week: A number, surprisingly enough, from Blackburn v Burnley – Robbie Blake gave Burnley the lead with a thunderbolt before David Dunn tied the scores after being teed up by a delightful flick from Franco Di Santo. Later, Pascal Chimbonda made it 3-1. With the ball switched from right to left, Chimbonda made a great run to get on the end of Pedersen’s knock-down before skipping past Fletcher and finishing neatly.

Moving further afield, Gonzalo Higuain scored a sumptuous first-time chip over the goalkeeper in Real Madrid’s 4-2 win over Valladolid, running onto a tremendous through pass from Xabi Alonso and once again raising the question; does he really deserve to be behind glam-boy Karim Benzema in the pecking order?

While the move ultimately ended without producing a goal, Antonio Valencia came extremely close at 0-0 in Manchester United’s match against CSKA Moscow, rattling the crossbar with a thunderous drive following a stunningly intricate passage of one-touch play between himself, Berbatov and Nani.

Sour Play of the Week No. 1: Dida of AC Milan, in one of his team’s most critical games of the season, decided to fumble an extremely tame shot from Esteban Granero directly at the feet of Raul to allow Madrid to take the lead. Dida’s blushes were spared as Milan recovered and went on to take the game 3-2, largely thanks to...

Sour Play of the Week No. 2: Not to be outdone by his opposite number in the same game, Iker Casillas, widely regarded as the best goalkeeper in the world, came rushing out of his area at the sight of a long ball over the top of Madrid’s flimsy defence only to miss the ball entirely and allow Pato to score the simplest of tap-ins and give Milan a 2-1 lead.

These events prompted Richard Keys of Sky Sports to question whether there are any good goalkeepers in Europe at the minute, with not one of his panelists suggesting Gianluigi Buffon, winner of the IFFHS World Goalkeeper of the Year award in 4 of the last 6 years.

Sweet ‘N’ Sour Play: Andriy Arshavin took his opportunity superbly with a delicate finish into the far corner, but why were Arsenal allowed to move the ball from their goalkeeper in their own penalty area to Arshavin in Birmingham’s entirely unchallenged? Fabregas ran forty yards with the ball without being closed down or tackled and similarly the only opposition Arshavin faced was the most pathetic of attempted blocks by a player who clearly could not be bothered, Stephen Carr.

Fortune Favours the Bold? At 1-1 in their Champions League game with Lyon, Rafael Benitez replaced midfielder Yossi Benayoun with striker Andriy Voronin. Seven minutes later Lyon scored the winning goal.

Christmas Creep: Is it ever too soon to describe something as an “early Christmas present”? Sam Allardyce thinks not, describing his team’s win over rivals Burnley as just that on October 19th, the day before his own birthday. In my own hometown Currys and Phones4U are advertising ‘Christmas temp’ jobs “starting immediately.” Today is October 22nd. Perhaps whichever manager lifts the Premier League trophy come May will thank his team for giving him an early Christmas present.

Adventures in Officiating: Mike Jones awarded the bizarre “beach ball” goal at Sunderland, though the Laws of the game clearly indicate it should have been disallowed. What’s more is that on an occasion where a manager would have been well within his rights to decry the referee, Rafael Benitez refused to do so apparently because he, like Mike Jones, had no idea what the rules of the game he’s paid millions to work in are: “It’s a very technical question. It could be a goal, it’s difficult to say. In this case, it has to be a goal.” Steve Bruce was equally philosophical, declaring anyone who knew the rule “a saddo.”

Expect the Expected: What better way to demonstrate that you’re not up for the physical battle of defending than to take to the field wearing a gum shield? True to form, Marcelo went on to lose his man at the far post and give Pato all the space in the world to score Milan’s third and winning goal in the dying minutes against Real Madrid.

Limited Understanding of the Ancient Language: Dr. Rush of Stargate Universe has been seen regularly bemoaning his crewmates’ limited usefulness aboard an ancient starcruiser lost halfway across the universe. He worked himself into a nervous breakdown because he’s the only one on the ship with the knowledge to do anything of worth to help their situation. So why not use your body-switching, unlimited range ‘communication stones’ to bring some more experts onboard at the expense of some of the many useless members of the expedition? It’s got to be more helpful than using them almost solely for visits home to invoke melodrama among family members and long lost wives. But then what do I know, I’m not a supposed super-genius?

Obscure World Score of the Week: Changsha Ginde 2-1 Chongqing Lifan. A vital result which lifts Changsha Ginde out of the relegation zone and, with only two rounds to go, condemns Chongqing Lifan to near-certain relegation.

Cosmic Coincidence: This weekend Manchester United, owned by the Glazer family, face a Liverpool team on its worst run of form since 1987. On the flip side, the Glazers also own the Tampa Bay Buccaneers who are on their worst run of form since 1977 and this weekend face the New England Patriots at Wembley in a game that kicks off directly after Liverpool v Manchester United.

Next week: delayed due to postal strike.

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

You lot are pathetic.

75. At 10:04am on 21 Oct 2009, RandomMemorableName wrote: You lot are pathetic. The fact that your so eager to pounce on (a rare) run of poor form says it all. This constant tirade aimed at Rafa and his 'failings' in the transfer market are ridiculous. You cannot judge a player singularly in this situation, you have to assess the bigger picture. The fact that every player signed and sold by Rafa has been sold for a profit suggets he knows what he is doing.
Hmm. A bold claim.
Let's have a look, shall we?

Rafael Benitez has indeed made a number of signings he later sold at a profit, the most notable of which being Xabi Alonso, of course. Here's a list:

Carson £1m in £3.25m out = £2.25m
Alonso £10.5m in £30m out = £19.5m
Bellamy £6m in £7.5m out = £1.5m
Crouch £7m in £10m out = £3m
Sissoko £5.6m in £8.2m out = £2.6m
Arbeloa £2.6m in £3.5m out = £0.9m

Total = £29.75m profit

Not bad. A near-£30m profit on players bought and subsequently sold by dear Rafa.
But wait! Surely there are more than that? Surely he's signed and sold more than six players?! But... he couldn't have, could he? After all "every player signed and sold by Rafa has been sold for a profit." Have a look:

Morientes £6.3m in £3m out = £3.3m loss
Luis Garcia £6m in £4m out = £2m loss
Gonzalez £4.5m in £4.2m out = £0.3m loss
Pennant £6.7m in £0 out = £6.7m loss
Leto £1.85m in £1.3m out £0.55m loss
Keane £19m in £12m out = £7m loss

£19.85m loss

So, indeed a bold claim... and a false one.
Overall, of players bought and sold by Rafael Benitez, he has made losses on as many players as he's made a profit. He's lucky Martin O'Neill priced him out of buying Gareth Barry because in that case he would have sold Alonso a year earlier for £14m and the figures wouldn't look so good at all. So, thanks Martin.
Example: ith our limited budget - check our NET SPEND each year compared to those around us (including the likes of Villa and Spurs) - we couldn't have arrived at Torres without first making a profit on players like Crouch and Bellamy.
You didn't sell Crouch until a year after signing Torres so I'm treating that part as absolute nonsense. Likewise, the net profit on sales of £9.9m is almost entirely thanks to the £19.5m profit on Xabi Alonso, a player who was sold a full two years after the signing of Fernando Torres. I doubt the measly £1.5m profit on Bellamy really made all the difference.

As for the net spend - clickity click here.
04-09, Rafa's period in charge, Liverpool are 3rd. Behind Chelsea and Man City, ahead of Villa and Spurs. What exactly are you trying to claim here?

The rate at which this squad has improved gets overlooked just all too often. Time and time again people fail to see that what we are chasing is not a stationary object. Chelsea, Utd, Arsenal - they are all improving. The fact is however, we are improving at a faster rate.
That is not a fact. Manchester United and Chelsea have been scoring consistently in the high-80s in points for the last 4 or 5 years. There is very little, if any, room for improvement beyond that. It is a lot easier for a team like Liverpool to improve from 68 and 76 points to 86 than it is for Manchester United to improve on the 90 points they scored last season. No team is going to finish the season on 100 points.

We finished over 30 points behind the champions in Rafa's first year in charge. Each year we are getting closer. Miracles we do at once, the impossible takes a little longer.
The first part in italics is indeed true. The second part in bold... is not.
In Rafa's second year in charge you finished 9 points behind the champions on 82 points.
Third year - 68 points, 21 points behind the champions. Incidentally, the champions that year were Manchester United, who had finished the season on 83 points the year before, only a single point more than Liverpool. They went forward, Rafa's Liverpool took a huge backward step.
Fourth year - 76 points. An improvement on the year before, still less than he achieved in his second year.
Fifth year - 86 points. Yes. Finally, an improvement on the second year of Rafa's reign. It doesn't change the fact he achieved less in the third and fourth years than the second.

To summarise, you did get closer last year but to say you have been getting closer each year is clearly untrue.

Good day.

Saturday, 17 October 2009

Tales From The Bed Of Scott Bakula: The Lost Memoirs

1. When I was in my early twenties on a trip to East Africa, I saw a gazelle giving birth. It was truly amazing. Within minutes, the baby was standing up—standing up on its own. A few more minutes, and it was walking. And before I knew it it was running alongside its mother, moving away with the herd. Humans aren't like that, Sir Blavalon. We may come from the same island, but we're pretty much helpless when we're born. It takes us months before we're able to crawl—almost a full year before we can walk. Our quest for the forgotten runestones of ju'gar isn't much different. We're going to stumble, make mistakes — I'm sure more than a few before we find our footing. But we're going to learn from those mistakes. That's what being human is all about. I'm sorry you can't see that.