Monday, 29 December 2008

Outrage and Injustice



Terrible news for all fans of football, life, and the Beloved Reds; heroic wonder magician Gerralt has been falsely imprisoned for a crime he did not commit. Wild reports from news sources claim he was arrested for assualt in a bar, but clearly this is some hate-crime perpetrated by the scoundrel Frank Lampard. Undeniably what has happened is an outrageous affront to the character of the Prince of Peace, and we urge all fans readers and wives of tgw to join us in our campaign to FREE STEVIE GERRALT from the corrupt clutches of her Majesty the Queen Arsene Wenger

You'll Never Work Alone


Gerralt scores the winning goal in the World Club Cup Final

Sunday, 28 December 2008

The Christmas Louis

video

Squadilla!

Tuesday, 23 December 2008

Tales From The Bed Of Scott Bakula: Volume 1



i've moved the webcam so that you can see my incredible chest better. i'll read to you from my diary while you watch it moving up and down as i breathe in and out. here is the entry i wrote on my first day on wizard's island.

Upon my arrival, I visited the apothecary for some herb or mushroom that would give me relief from my constant erections. The apothecarist rummaged in her drawers and found a paste which she said would alleviate the stress, and I gladly took it from her. I had her in the back room, against a mirror, while I admired how symmetrical my eyebrows were. When my business was done, I conjured a memory loss spell with my rune stones and left without paying. I enquired at the inn concerning lodgings, and convinced the barkeep to board me for no fee by promising to marry his young daughter, Gwen. I won't follow through with this, as Gwen is quite homely. Tomorrow I plan to steal Gwen's clothes and seduce the local butcher into lending me a club so I can bash the barkeep's brains in for serving my beer at room temperature.

Ince's Incredible Business Idea




Television advert displays website url
Website is a youtube video of advert
???
Profit

Sunday, 21 December 2008

Who Is Your Favourite Beatle?

video

Match of the Face





Friday, 19 December 2008

Gerrard Bigger Than The Moon - Lippi

jamiluwaya@yahoo.com kano nouthern nigerial sporting stevin garrard
temidayo lagos,nigeriagerrard is an inspirational captain, and certainly the best inthe world

Mohammed Mukhtar Ibadan, NigeriaGerrard remain my motivation whenever i see him play. He plays the game with his head, mind and heart. He is focused, determine and has the nous to become the best player in the world. You are highly love. May this season be our biggest by lifting the Premiership and Champions league. Good luck Steven G. and Liverpool.
Ali MogadishoGerrard is the best and great player, I like the way that he is playing and i respect him, but there is some thing i like to say, Please Gerrard keep the ball even 2 second.
OKEY ZAGUS NIGERIASTEVEN GERRAD IS THE BEST IN THE WORLT. THE MOST CONSISTENT PLAYER IN THE WORLD, THE MOST VERSATILE PLAYER IN THE WORLD, THE MOST EXPERIENCE PLAYER IN THE WORLD, THE MOST DEDICATED PLAYER IN THE WORLD, THE BEST FOOTBALL LEADER IN THE WORLD, THE BEST CAPTAIN IN TH WORLD, THE BEST..... I LONG THE DAY I WILL MEET GERALD FACE TO FACE TO TELL IM ALL THESE I LOVE GERRALD. ZAGUS

Dam Startled The Witch!




Thursday, 18 December 2008

blogvertherbets's predictions

Blackburn 2-2 Stoke
Bolton 2-0 Portsmouth
Fulham 2-2 Middlesbrough
Hull 3-0 Sunderland
West Ham 2-1 Aston Villa
Arsenal 1-1 Liverpool
Newcastle 1-1 Tottenham
West Brom 2-3 Man City
Everton 1-3 Chelsea

Actual predictions

Blackburn 2-0 Stoke
Bolton 1-1 Portsmouth
Fulham 2-1 Middlesbrough
Hull 2-0 Sunderland
West Ham 2-2 Aston Villa
Arsenal 1-1 Liverpool
Newcastle 2-0 Tottenham
West Brom 1-1 Man City
Everton 0-2 Chelsea

blogvertherbert got THREE predictions right, with ONE perfect score.

Closed Radical




Free Radical has been shut down! Shut its doors! Finished, closed, the end, goodbye lovers. Insider source DJH will provide us with information sometime in the future. Most importantly, does this mean no sequel to game of the century and tgw favourite HAKE? Now we will never find out what happened to Sargeant Hoze and his army of clones or whatever the game was about. This is devestating news, friends, and I think it is no coincidence that it has coincided with the LHC at CERN breaking down. I'm not one for conspiracy theories but when the tea-leaves predict rain, you better find a duck, if you know what I mean.

El Sims 3: Voyage into Space


What an exciting day! EA have just sent us an email outlining what you can expect to expect when they announce that they're announcing The Sims
 3 expansion pack El Voyage into Space on February 15th, the day before the day they announce they're launching The Sims 3 across the world by way of AOL-disc-through-the-letterbox. Here's the email in full:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest Brothers

We at EA are delighted to announce the arrival of a fantastic new addition to The Sims catalogue; Voyage into Space, Featuring Executive Officer Black Tigh. This latest expansion of the wonderful Sims world will include no less than 80 new items and an array of new clothes for your Sims to wear. The theme for this upgrade will be Space which we are sure you will agree is extremely exciting, thrilling and/or adorable. Below is a breakdown of new features which you can expect to be delighted by in the newest member of the Sims family.

Kindest Regards
Sims Expansion Output Device

~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Isn't that exciting and/or adorable? Here's a summary of the new features EA has promised in this update and/or game of the year;

  1. Prevent your men from becoming downright o-bese by introducing them to Booday's Keep Fit Program, which involves sing-along tape and flesh-like compartment


  2. Become the Queen and sit regally on your throne while ordering manservants to service your boiler


  3. Dress yourself in finest livery and sneak into the maids antechambers with a gherkin on a stick which you will use to prod their faces from behind the curtains as they sleep


  4. Decorate your castle with alien artifacts gathered from your travels through dimensions and regail your friends with stories they won't understand because you're speaking in gibberish


  5. Pay by micro-transactions using your EA CREDIT CARD for in-game delights such as ladies-of-the-night, pickled eggs, your mothers home-baked rat pies, soiled pantaloons and your very own flea-ridden blanket


  6. Bag yourself a foreign wife by wearing a bow-tie, promising to take care of her children and feeding her boiled liver every night until her skin turns yellow and you can dry her out and hang her from your bedroom window

I'm off to clean up the mess that I've made all over the floor. If anyone can help please send rags to: thegamesweep.blogspot.com. Kindest regards

Lawro's Predictions Predictions


Welcome to the first week of Lawro’s Predictions Predictions, where I will attempt to predict the predictions that Lawro predicts in his weekly predictions.

Blackburn v Stoke
It was always going to be tough for Paul Ince to move from League 2 to the Premier League. Blackburn lost a few key players and his team have struggled badly. I think he needed to be given more time to stamp his personality on the club. Chairman John Williams has made the right choice to replace him with Sam Allardyce given their results this season.

Stoke have struggled on the road and they will be without top class launchbus Sidibe who suffered a bad injury last weekend. This combined with the impact of Sam Allardyce points to only one result. Clubs usually get a lift when a new manager comes in and this will be no different.

VERDICT: 2-2

Bolton v Portsmouth
I’ve been impressed with Bolton recently and summer signing Elmander has finally started to pick up some goalscoring form. The question is now whether he has what it takes to do it consistently in the Premier League week-in, week-out? Portsmouth have been erratic under Tony Adama and you never seem to know what you’re going to get from them.

Bolton were poor against Aston Villa last weekend but I expect them to be a different proposition at home, Gary Megson will be looking for a positive reaction. That said, with Croucher and Defoe there are always goals in Portsmouth and those two will be a threat.

VERDICT: 2-0

Fulham v Middlesbrough
Roy Hodgson has built a really good team at Fulham in a short space of time. They are really solid at the back and don’t give away many goals. However, they don’t score many goals either and with Zamora out the burden lies entirely on Andy Johnson. They will be looking for him to step up with some goals, particularly in home games like this.

Like Fulham, Middlesbrough don’t score many either and Afonso Alves has failed to hit top gear since his big-money move last January. Gareth Southgate has a young team and they are capable of fantastic results like the one against Arsenal last weekend. I expect Middlesbrough to go into this game on a high and give it a real go.

VERDICT: 2-2

Hull v Sunderland
Hull have been a breath of fresh air and I expect them to continue their good form this weekend. They haven’t picked up too many points lately but their draw at Anfield and the nature of that match will see them head into this game sky-high on confidence. Phil Brown has been linked with a move away from Hull but I don’t expect him to leave the team he is building there.

Sunderland’s fortunes have completely turned around since the departure of Roy Keane with a fabulous result last week and a gritty showing at Old Trafford. Djibril Cisse and Kenwyne Jones are a real handful up front and Ricky Sbragia will be looking to put himself in the frame for the permanent managerial post.

VERDICT: 3-0



West Ham v Aston Villa
West Ham have had some terrific results recently with draws at both Liverpool and Chelsea. Bellamy has started to pick up some form of late and he will need to stay fit, otherwise I can’t see where the goals are coming from? Zola seems to be finding out more about his best team every week, but the question is what kind of impact he can have in the long-term given the club’s financial position?

Villa performed poorly in the UEFA cup but were missing a number of key players. Their pace on the break with the likes of Ashley Young and Gabriel Agbonlahor makes them ideally suited to playing away from home and it will be interesting to see how West Ham cope with that threat. Villa have been fantastic recently and Martin O’Neill will be looking for more of the same here.

VERDICT: 2-1

Arsenal v Liverpool
Arsene Wenger will be scratching his head about what he has to do with this Arsenal team. One week they are beating Chelsea at Stamford Bridge and the next they are struggling at Middlesbrough. We have seen from that game at Chelsea and from the match against Manchester United that Arsenal are at their best in the big games. This match against Liverpool FC YNWA is the biggest of them all as a loss could put them out of the title race for good.

Liverpool have been poor at home recently but their away record is good and they are capable of grinding out results. As with the match at Chelsea, Liverpool can always rely on the likes of Steven Gerrard and Jamie Carragher to pull out the biggest performances in the biggest games and they will be looking to expose Arsenal’s weaknesses at the back.

VERDICT: 1-1

Newcastle v Tottenham
Newcastle had a terrific result last week and they will be looking to continue that good form in front of their home fans. If Michael Owen can stay fit they have a proven goalscorer and he will get those all-important tap-ins. However, the question is will he stay? He is out of contract in the summer and perhaps Newcastle will look to cash-in in January before he can leave for free and Tottenham are one of the teams who could be looking at him.

As we know Harry Redknapp has worked wonders since he came in and he got another brilliant result last week against Manchester United. Tottenham have quality all over the team and with world class players like David Bentley and Darren Bent in the side it was only a matter of time until they pulled away from the relegation zone. It will be interesting to see how their defence copes with the threat of Owen.

VERDICT: 1-1

West Brom v Man City
With Ishmael Miller out for the season I just can’t see where the goals are going to come from for West Brom. Tony Mowbray has an admirable philosophy on how the game should be played but it doesn’t seem to be getting them anywhere. They have recalled Craig Beattie but I don’t think he is the answer to their goalscoring problems.

You never know what you are going to get with Man City and they have struggled away from home, particularly in defence. They offer teams a lot of time and space. Many of their players will be feeling under pressure as we near January, fearing for their positions considering the funds available. Mark Hughes needs to start picking up results and struggling West Brom could be a good place to start.

VERDICT: 2-3

Everton v Chelsea
After a poor start to the season David Moyes is slowly but surely getting Everton back on track. They have severe injury problems in the striking department but they are still capable of getting results. However, they have struggled at home. With no available strikers I expect them to deploy Tim Cahill up front again in a bus-parking manoeuvre.

Scolari’s honeymoon period is well and truly over and Chelsea’s home form is under intense scrutiny. They have struggled to break teams down at home and Everton’s injury predicament may put them in a similar situation here. Scolari could opt to bring Drogba back into the starting line-up for the physical battle but the question is whether he can fit both Drogba and Anelka into the same team? Nevertheless, Chelsea have a 100% away record despite their struggles at home.

VERDICT: 1-3



Look Upward

She demands a sacrifice and in turn she will protect you. The sacrifice will be YOUR SOUL

Monday, 15 December 2008

Jeff Minter's Mintermas Gift Suggestions


Hello Minters! It's me your best friend Jeff Minter here again to squirt my ideas into your love hole.

It's been a busy year for me and you might have missed all the Minter gossip because you don't read the papers or watch the news or have the internet and because you live in a cave. I live in a cave. It's filled with pictures of the lovely man from the BT adverts. I cut his head out and put it on some animals because that's the sort of thing I've been busy doing this year.

Isn't he dreamy? I have another picture of him that I can't show you, and I keep that under my bed. I only have 2 suggestions for you this year but they're so good and so expensive you'll be begging me to throw you pennies from my ivory tower before New Year's if you buy them. Happy Mintermas!

Jeff Minter's: Kevin Costner's: Waterworld

I buy this for my wife every year and then watch it on my own. She's not allowed to watch! I like to watch Costner pull hundreds of levers and then discover land at the end with his gills. I don't really understand the plot but I'm pretty sure they based it on my life. Stephen Spielberg who's the director even asked me to play the lead but I was too handsome and it made him throw up.

 

Battlestar Galactica 1978 Starring Jeff Minter

Back before you were born I came to this planet on a ragtag fleet of ships escaping a ruthless race of robot people called the Boodays. On my travels I met with the devil himself, Count Eeblee, and loved and lost the most beautiful woman there ever was, Boxey's Mum.  I also built a mechanical dog which I made love to every night. His name was Tigh. This is the best present you could ever buy a fan of me or of science non fiction, which is everybody!


I hope you enjoy your presents, Minters. I'm spending this Mintermas worshipping the Ptoltecs. I've also started a Turkey farm. Yesterday one of the birds gave birth to the farms first turtle. Success!

Sunday, 14 December 2008

Tales from the Bed of Scott Bakula



hello, im typing this on my island that is near the wizard's sea. above is my webcam which i have set to update every fifteen minutes. i can sense the wizard's eyes on my slender body now which means i must be brief and tell you only the most important moments from my life on the island, in hope that one day my recordings may be found and a record will survive of what happened here.

Saturday, 13 December 2008

They Came In Their Shroves


Don't cry for me Keith Andrews

I Don't Believe It


When I was at Tottenham I caught Steve Archibald looking at my bellend in the shower so I stabbed him in the eye with my pen like this. Don't fuck with me, Pallister, I've seen you looking. This is just a warning, next time you'll be out one eye.

I used to go to a little restaurant in Stoke called Armando's, usually after a match with my good friend Dennis Smith. One night, having beaten West Ham and taken an ice bath together, me and Smithy  went to Armando's arm in arm and ordered a Carbonara to share. This is the face I pulled when I saw there was a pube on the garlic bread. Armando's is closed now, because I killed Armando by forcing him to eat a plate of my pubes



What's that, Ray? You say Chiles is presenting Score next week? Chiles? Don't fuck with me Ray


After we won the FA Cup in '82 me and Glenn Hoddle went to a strip club in Kingston where Glenn said he knew the management and could bag us a couple of free dances. Glenn picked out a right dog, and took her into a private room where I believe he asked her to marry him. I chose the girl with the biggest knockers you've ever seen, honestly even Keown's never seen ones as big as those. I took her into the middle of the room, sat her on my lap and put my arms around her waist like this. Then I sang 'Weekend In New England' by Manilow to her until she cried. It was your wife, Ray. I've had her.



Friday, 12 December 2008

Heroids



"I've got a plan"
"?"
"GO!"
"but"
"GO!"

"You'll never catch him!"
"Who are you?"
"I don't know"
"We're going to kill you"
"You can't, I feel nothing"
"Don't we all?"
"You'll never catch him!"


"I've been looking for you"
"where are we?"
"I've been looking for you"
"how did I get here"
"something is going to happen"
"who are you"
*cryptic dialogue*
"nooooooo"
"I've been looking for you"

"whats wrong?"
"i wont tell you"
"then I will read your mind!"
"noooooooo"
"oh my god!"
"what is it?"
"I don't know but I think its bad?"
"noooooo"
"nooooooo"
"nooooooooo!"



"you saved me!"
"I love you"
"what about your mother?"
"she's our mother"
"what about your brother"
"I have no brother"
"get real!"
"I have so much power and it is destroying me"
"I love you"

"my research has revealed that something is happening"
"I need your research"
"my research has revealed that I am becoming a lizard"
"what does it all mean?"
"my research has revealed that I do not know"
"I am turning into a lizard too"
"my research reveals that we will be friends"
"I am going to betray you"
"my research reveals that I will not see it coming"

"I feel nothing"
"what is going on?"
"am I a robot?"
"where am I?"
"do I have...a soul?"
"what is...soul?"
"I want to be normal"
"what is...normal?"
"I want to see your thing"
"am I a robot?"
"good day"

"you'll never get away with this!"
*cryptic dialogue*
"he'll never allow it"
"who won't?"
"you will find out"
"I am going to shoot you"
"or will it be me who will shoot you?"
Bang!

The End?

Thursday, 11 December 2008

Absentem Laedit Cum Ebrio Qui Litigat


Good day chums, what's the good word? Whilst sneakily flicking between my work and this delightful christmas gift whenever I hear footsteps behind me, I discovered that Google has released it's end of year search-stats breakdown, the pointlessly-named Zeitgeist.

Zeitgeist, as I'm sure you're all aware, is the German word for Google, as well as being a 4th Century Princess of Estonia. Having been wed to Zeitgeist, I'm somewhat of an expert, so let us commence the debrief.

UNITED KINGDOM

Fastest Rising Searches

  1. iplayer

  2. facebook

  3. iphone

  4. youtube

  5. yahoo mail

  6. large hadron collider

  7. obama

  8. friv

  9. cam4

  10. jogos

Ignoring the madness of facebook and youtube being top searches, they are nothing compared to numbers 8,9 and 10. Let's start with 'friv'. Friv. I don't even know what to say. It's a website of flash games, and a truly atrocious one at that. It's one of those sites which has an empty frontpage where you have to "click on the logo to enter". The most embarrassing thing about friv, however, is that it's not even on the front page of results for its own site. Typing friv into google gives you a list of referrals to friv from stumbleupon, digg and so forth. Why do so many people search for this? It's baffling, especially when you consider that using google to find friv forces you to clickthrough one of these referral websites to get to it, when the actual url of the website is http://www.friv.com/.

Number 9 is cam4. I have to admit I had no idea what this referred to, and had to google it myself. I was expecting some sort of flash-based internet phenomenon that I'd missed out on , but it's actually just a sleazy porno webcam site. Move along.

The most bizarre entry in today's list, however, is number 10. Jogos. Once again, I thought it to be some particular website of which I was currently unaware, presumably something flash-based. Actually, it's just the spanish word for 'games'. The english 'games' is number 5 on the years most popular, which leads me to believe that there has been a steady yet massive increase in the amount of Spanish in the UK over the course of the year. How else could you possibly explain the word "jogos" being the 10th fastest rising search?

Interesting to note are the activities of some other countries. While the youtube brain-melt appears to be a worldwide phenomenon, facebook seems less popular. The poles like to search only for polish websites, with this years favourite being Nasza Klasa, which I'd take a guess at being "no clothes" although I couldn't be sure, and was scared to click through to it as I'm at work. The Danes like to search for the word "af", which either means that they don't really understand how to use a keyboard or they have a very efficient language. Australia's 2nd most popular search term this year was "Sydney". Perhaps everyone is Australia is watching Alias. Either that or they need to use the internet to find out about one of their own largest cities. And finally Argentina, whoze citizens are so addicted to games that their top 2 searches for this year are "Juegos juegos" and, coming in 2nd, merely 'Juegos'. Utterly, utterly incomprehensible.

regards regards