Thursday, 29 January 2009

Lee Dixon's Tactical Analysis

Everton 1-1 Arsenal

Arsenal were at their imperious best once again, channeling the combined spirits of Pelé and Duncan Ferguson with this delightful passing move to create Van Persie's stunning equaliser. I believe there were actually around fourteen thousand passes involved in this incredible passage of play, but I ran out of space on my diagram so I've only included the final sixteen.

Chelsea 2-0 Middlesbrough

Scolari's Chelsea managed a comfortable but somewhat unconvincing win over strugglers Middlesbrough, with questions again raised over the ability of Lampard and Ballack to play together in midfield. The English maestro and his German clone once again decided the best place to stand on the pitch was on top of each other's heads.

West Brom 0-5 Manchester United

Tony Mowbray's West Brom team continue to "delight the neutrals" and "play football the way it's meant to be played," which seems to involve giving all opposition teams the Freedom of the Hawthorns and a staunch refusal to get involved in any sort of defending or tackling. Bravo Tony, bastion of all that is right and good in the world of football. Oh, and they also still field Scott Carson in goal.

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

Bruce! Reviews

andycarroll2007, 5 Stars
Bruce! changed my life. His beautiful descriptions of the things he saw lying on the street on the way home from Fratton Park one day had me in floods of tears. Never has such glorious prose been penned as that of Bruce!

monfilsmonfils, 5 Stars
Every new page was sheer delight to me, as Blutes manages to evoke the full gamut of emotions, often within a single sentence, or within a single word, such is his genius. A better book you never will read. 

the_crab_man, 5 Stars
As I read the final chapter of Bruce!, tears streaming from my wrinkled face, erection in hand, I felt my soul become enbiggened by Barnesbot's glorious words. As I read the last words, I knew that my time was up, and I could not think of a more wonderful last memory as this. Thankyou, dearest Brimp. 

Vincent Grella5, 5 stars
When I first bought Bruce!, I read it cover to cover within a single year, and lent it to all my friends subsequently. I had the entire book read at my wedding, and the tears of the guests are a testament to the power of Blooper's delicious words. The scene with the robot maid and the wizard's sleeve caused one old woman to drop her britches!

Cant'Control_32, 5 Stars
I have hung the pages of Brote's masterpiece on strings from the ceiling of every room in my house, so that his orgasmic words can brush my ruddy face as I glide about my vast mansion. 

R_V_Nursie, 5 Stars
I was diagnosed with a wasting disease of the knee some 2 years ago, and feared all was lost until my good friend lent me his copy of Brondlebum's masterpiece. I ground it into a paste and applied it to my withered knee, and before the sun had set, I could walk again! Brubes is a miracleworker, his words heal all ills! Hail! The King cometh.

treat_the_bal_as_a_friend, 5 Stars
After the passing of my wife, my two young children were inconsolable, and would sob and weep all night long. At the end of my wits, mad with lack of sleep, I discovered this beautiful gem in an old chest in my attic. I read it to my children, and before the last word was read, they were both dead. Thankyou Bruce, now I sleep as soundly as a mouse, and my children's bodies make most serviceable pillows! 

Alan, 5 Stars
Growing up, I was a desperately unlucky man. Sewage pipes would burst in my house, flooding every floor with a foul drenching, women would be sick at the sight of my very face, any friends I managed to make would become victim to most horrible and grizzly deaths. One morning, having been locked out of my house, I was hit on the bonce by a book which fell from the sky. That book was Bruce! After reading Brutlebert's deleriously enchanting words, I ripped the pages from their binding and sewed them together into a suit, which I now wear every minute of my life. Since that day I have slept with over one thousand women, and have become the King of a small country. When I visit a sick man, he is cured at the sight of me, and birds fall from the sky in front of me so that I don't ever have to touch the soiled pavement with my feet. Surely Brandley's astonishing prose is alone the cause of my change in fortunes. I am indebted to it.

Monday, 26 January 2009

Tales From The Bed Of Scott Bakula: Volumes 3 Through 9

hai ladies im writin this on my iphone so 4give the bad spelin. im putin the latest chapters of my book up here so u can read them and get an idea of how it will be a besteseller 

Day 3, 4th Cycle
So to-day I went on a date with the King of the Wizards and his daughter. They took me to the rotating restaurant and I chose the soup, which was an error because the rotation of the restaurant created a vortex and every time I put my spoon in to take a sip the spoon was sucked into the vortex and I did not see it again. The daughter of the King of Wizards ordered the suckling pig, and the King of Wizards himself demanded a nectarine, peeled, and placed in an upturned bowler hat, which is how he took all of his meals. I told my joke about the man saving peas, and it offended him so he left. 

Day 4, 3rd Cycle
It is the equinoxe and therefore I must go down to the market and strike a deal with a peddlar of fine salts so that I may present one to my lady and ask for her hand in marriage. Then, with a hot-dog in each hand I must approach her, on bended knee, and sing her that most famous of songs, 'If You Don't Buy A Ticket' by the beloved Lawrenson. I include a picture, above, so that you may more accurately imagine the scene. Once completed, we shall be wed and, anon, I will get to see her cheese-hole. 

Day 5, Lament
Oh! Fine beauts, upon whose hands my fated futures rest, whislt though turn thine beloved cheeks toward the sun and shower golden blessings on my bleeding face, or dost thou have some fiendish plot for the earthly Bakula! Yet reveal thon plans, lest the dreaded wench bear forth her fury from the East, and the West, and all under the Moon witness her raging wraths. Oh, Shimbomba, thou mighty Queen of Beauts, grant me a stay of happy wandering with mine erstwhile wife, and tempt me not with the foul stenches of the deep's dark pits. Alas, my time approaches as the horizon to a mighty vessel!

Wedding Day, Bi-Cycle 
To-day I was wed, to my sister Isabella. During her father's speech, I lost contol of my bowels. I invited Hansen but he did not show up, so I've deleted him from my friends list. Shearer was there, in his usual attire; a maid's apron and stockings. He brought a letter from Pearce, which was all exclamation marks and smudges. I did not care to read it, so threw it in the fire. Shearer said he enjoyed the wedding and picked the 2nd bridesmaid, Alastair, for his own. 

A Portrait Of A Leader

Treat the ball as a friend

If You Don't Buy A Ticket

Friday, 23 January 2009

BAL Of The Day

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

Enter Fat Pat

skills tbh

Monday, 19 January 2009

Fruit Apple In Grocery Building Pear?

New Tampa Bay Buccaneers head coach Raheem Morris insists that there has been no contact with Manchester City over receiver Antonio Bryant, and that he is unwilling to let him go (ESPN)

Rafael Benitez is being lined up as the new offensive co-ordinator for Real Madrid, who are offering a double-your-money deal to the maverick Spaniard (Crooks)

Chengdu Blades are offering Hearts a take-it-or-leave-it £4m deal for french hitman Christian Nadé, who is reportedly interested in a switch to Rugby League (

Gordon B Rown has met with German Chancellor Angela Merk-El concerning the proposed transfer of Hamburg midfielder Nigel De Jong to Manchester City (Home Office)

Hull City manager Phillip B Rown has insisted that he doesn't know how he'll cope with the impact of Zola (Hull Times)

Liverpool Overlord Rafael Benitez has hit out at Jose Mourinho after the Inter Coach claimed that Beloved Gerralt is the world's greatest person. Benitez warned Mourinho off his Wondermaker, insisting that he was not for sale and that Mourinho's mind games would not work (Liverpool Echo)

Lafferty praises Smith's half-time team talk. Kyle Lafferty revealed that Rangers manager Walter Smith's half-time words, "Disappointed", pushed the team to victory over Hearts on Sunday (Sports

Monday, 12 January 2009

Become A Legend

blogvert says: I just don't know where the goals are coming from.

Saturday, 10 January 2009

Paul atce

Thursday, 8 January 2009

Homage to Ince

Once they came to you, in their shroves
Why they stopped, nobody knows
Their chief departed, their King dethroned
Never forgotten, but now alone

Your trust was broken by hate and spite
Your one chance taken, for not being white
I yearn for you to rise again
Lest you suffer forever, this torment and pain

Tuesday, 6 January 2009

The French Word For Transfers Is Transferts

Salisu haro Katsina,nigeriaPremire is not d best bcos dat top 4 clubs dominate d league. But laliga is not dominated by any top 4 teams.Go laliga!!
brian malaga, briansthis is a disgrace la liga is best league inn world! it has best players, betst coach, best pitch best refreeingbest women. not like in england where the womens do not wash their things and the league has bad players like manu bayo, mark hughes and terrible cristina rolando. la liga is best long live la liga ole!
albo londonmy lady serie a is improving again. from fourth we are second, next year we will be fourth
Nikola Skopje Macedoniaeeeeeeeee zoro zoro :):):):):):)
ETO'O OBAMA Camp NouI didnt go 2 england bcoz i thought spain then italy have won more trophies than barclays. ANY WAY HOW MANY FIFA BEST FROM ENGLAND?

Monday, 5 January 2009

Tales From The Bed Of Scott Bakula - Volume 2

January 41st, before I came to the Island.
today i was on the train to see the king and ask him for his hand in marriage when a man sat down next to me. he was in a suit and he was reading the times sport section, as you do. after a while he got a text on his blackberry and the text just said
"my trains half empty!"
I was a bit puzzled as i didn't really understand the point of the text. the information was of no use to the besuited man, but he seemed compelled to reply. he spent about 20 minutes writing the following text:
"mines packed with fecking brighton bound cunts"
he had trouble with every word. first he wrote
then "wth", "feoucking", "briohgton"
then based instead of bound.

oddly enough he was fine with the word cunts

he didn't get a reply.

Thursday, 1 January 2009

Coming Playstation Home

Day 1:
"If the afterlife is anything like Playstation Home

I want to go to hell"

- Jonathan