Tales From The Bed Of Scott Bakula: Volumes 3 Through 9

hai ladies im writin this on my iphone so 4give the bad spelin. im putin the latest chapters of my book up here so u can read them and get an idea of how it will be a besteseller 

Day 3, 4th Cycle

So to-day I went on a date with the King of the Wizards and his daughter. They took me to the rotating restaurant and I chose the soup, which was an error because the rotation of the restaurant created a vortex and every time I put my spoon in to take a sip the spoon was sucked into the vortex and I did not see it again. The daughter of the King of Wizards ordered the suckling pig, and the King of Wizards himself demanded a nectarine, peeled, and placed in an upturned bowler hat, which is how he took all of his meals. I told my joke about the man saving peas, and it offended him so he left. 

Day 4, 3rd Cycle

It is the equinoxe and therefore I must go down to the market and strike a deal with a peddlar of fine salts so that I may present one to my lady and ask for her hand in marriage. Then, with a hot-dog in each hand I must approach her, on bended knee, and sing her that most famous of songs, 'If You Don't Buy A Ticket' by the beloved Lawrenson. I include a picture, above, so that you may more accurately imagine the scene. Once completed, we shall be wed and, anon, I will get to see her cheese-hole. 

Day 5, Lament

Oh! Fine beauts, upon whose hands my fated futures rest, whislt though turn thine beloved cheeks toward the sun and shower golden blessings on my bleeding face, or dost thou have some fiendish plot for the earthly Bakula! Yet reveal thon plans, lest the dreaded wench bear forth her fury from the East, and the West, and all under the Moon witness her raging wraths. Oh, Shimbomba, thou mighty Queen of Beauts, grant me a stay of happy wandering with mine erstwhile wife, and tempt me not with the foul stenches of the deep's dark pits. Alas, my time approaches as the horizon to a mighty vessel!

Wedding Day, Bi-Cycle 

To-day I was wed, to my sister Isabella. During her father's speech, I lost contol of my bowels. I invited Hansen but he did not show up, so I've deleted him from my friends list. Shearer was there, in his usual attire; a maid's apron and stockings. He brought a letter from Pearce, which was all exclamation marks and smudges. I did not care to read it, so threw it in the fire. Shearer said he enjoyed the wedding and picked the 2nd bridesmaid, Alastair, for his own.